G\u00fcnayd\u0131n\u0131m, g\u00fcn \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131m, ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131m;<\/p>\n
Sana b\u00f6yle seslenirken hi\u00e7 kimsenin bu s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerle sana hitap etmeyece\u011fini bilmenin huzuru i\u00e7indeyim. Evet, gecelerini g\u00fcnd\u00fczlerine kat\u0131p seni d\u00fc\u015fleyenler olmu\u015ftur ve h\u00e2l\u00e2 hayalini i\u00e7ip kendilerinden ge\u00e7iyorlard\u0131r muhtemelen. Ama benden ba\u015fka kimse sana “g\u00fcnayd\u0131n\u0131m” demeyecek. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc “geldin” ve geli\u015finle beni y\u0131llard\u0131r g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcnde emzirip duran karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n elinden \u00e7ekip kurtard\u0131n. G\u00fcn\u00fcm ayd\u0131n oldu, g\u00fcn\u00fc ayd\u0131n olan\u0131m. Sana “\u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131m” diyorum zira hem ruhumun kuytular\u0131n\u0131 hem de kalbimin el de\u011fmemi\u015f k\u00f6\u015felerini ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011fa bo\u011fdun. Evet, sana meftun olanlar olmu\u015ftur. Ama g\u00f6zlerinin k\u0131y\u0131s\u0131, ruhunun seheri ve kalbinde kaynay\u0131p duran o \u015fefkat kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda benim gibi titreyeni ve \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011fa gark olmu\u015f biri daha yoktur. Olmas\u0131n da…<\/p>\n
Kendimden ge\u00e7mi\u015fim, anlam\u0131yorsun.<\/p>\n
\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc sen anlamak \u00fczere de\u011fil gelmek \u00fczere kaim oldun g\u00f6n\u00fcl ufkumda. Geli\u015fine dair s\u00f6yleyeceklerim var k\u0131rk kilitli k\u0131rk kap\u0131n\u0131n ard\u0131ndan:<\/p>\n
“Geldin”<\/p>\n
Hem de ne geli\u015f! \u015eairler \u015fiire k\u00fcsm\u00fc\u015f, \u015fark\u0131lar susmu\u015f, g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc merhametini esirger olmu\u015ftu yapraklardan. Kelebekler i\u00e7miyor, papatyalar a\u00e7m\u0131yordu ve ben r\u00fczg\u00e2r\u0131n savurdu\u011fu bir kum tanesinden farks\u0131zd\u0131m zaman\u0131n korkun\u00e7 ak\u0131\u015f\u0131 kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda. Sonra sen geldin. \u00d6nce bir hat\u0131ra olarak belirgin ufukta, etraf\u0131nda nurdan haleler olan ve y\u0131ld\u0131z y\u0131ld\u0131z \u0131\u015f\u0131yan bir hat\u0131ra. Sonra sesin duyuldu, y\u0131llar\u0131n ard\u0131ndan bereketli ovalar\u0131 besleyen m\u00fc\u015ffik bir p\u0131nar misali bozk\u0131ra d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015f g\u00f6n\u00fcl m\u00fclk\u00fcme do\u011fru akt\u0131n usulca. Hi\u00e7bir karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131, hi\u00e7bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131, hi\u00e7bir \u00e7aresizli\u011fi \u00fcrk\u00fctmedin. Ruhumun hi\u00e7bir yaras\u0131 incinmedi geli\u015finden. Geldin ve y\u0131llar y\u0131l\u0131 binlerce ate\u015fin geride b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131 k\u00fcl katmanlar\u0131na \u00fcfledin narin bir edayla. K\u00fcller etrafa savrulup altlar\u0131nda, derine derine saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131n ate\u015fin koru g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr olduk\u00e7a \u00fcrperdim. Ben o yang\u0131n\u0131 biliyordum \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc. Nas\u0131l deh\u015fetli bir hararetle yand\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, bir kalbe neler edebilece\u011fini, nas\u0131l can yakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131… Fakat bu sefer parmak u\u00e7lar\u0131ndan ve s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerinin notas\u0131ndan yay\u0131lan huzura teslim ettim kendimi. Ate\u015f yand\u0131, ben tutu\u015ftum. \u00d6yle alevler y\u00fckseldi ki g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcmden semaya do\u011fru, g\u00f6renler hepten \u015fa\u015f\u0131rd\u0131. Ba\u015fta da hakl\u0131 olarak sen\u2026 Bu kadar \u00e7ok \u00fcrpermeme, bu kadar \u00e7ok yanmama bir anlam veremedin. Sana g\u00f6re b\u00f6yle \u015fiddetli bir yang\u0131n y\u0131llarca gizlenemezdi. Ah k\u0131ymetliler k\u0131ymetlisi ah… Bir bilsen senin o gizlemek ve al\u0131\u015fmak dedi\u011fin kayal\u0131klar ne kadar sarpt\u0131r, nas\u0131l lime lime eder insan\u0131n etini… Y\u00fcre\u011fini bin par\u00e7aya b\u00f6lsen de doymaz bir canavard\u0131r al\u0131\u015fmak, bin y\u00fcrek daha ister. Bilmezsin, sultanlar bilmez eziyetin b\u00f6ylesini. Bilme!..<\/p>\n
“Geldin”<\/p>\n
\u0130ster kal ister git, sen bana bu sefer “gitmemek” \u00fczere geldin. Sonsuz bir sa\u011fanak var u\u00e7suz bucaks\u0131z bozk\u0131r\u0131mda. Bir kere a\u00e7maya ba\u015flad\u0131 alaca \u00e7i\u00e7eklerim, bin kere ye\u015ferdi g\u00f6kku\u015fa\u011f\u0131na hasret ovalar\u0131m. Nurdan \u0131rmaklar akmaya ba\u015flad\u0131 bir kere, duruldu dalgas\u0131 okyanuslar\u0131m\u0131n. G\u00f6r\u00fcnen g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda seman\u0131n yedi kat\u0131 \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011fa bo\u011fuldu. \u015eu aya\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bast\u0131\u011f\u0131m zeminden as\u00fbmana kadar \u0131\u015f\u0131l \u0131\u015f\u0131l t\u00fcm k\u00e2inat\u0131m.<\/p>\n
G\u00fcnayd\u0131n\u0131m, g\u00fcn \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131m, ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131m…<\/p>\n
Geldin ve gitmeyeceksin. S\u00fbra \u00fcflendi\u011fi ve hesap defteri a\u00e7\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00fcn ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7\u0131karaca\u011f\u0131z bu uzakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n. O zaman yak\u0131nlar daha yak\u0131n olacak, ruhlar ger\u00e7ek yak\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131 bulacak. Vuslat g\u00fcn\u00fcne dek unutmuyorum, unutma: Kalbin kalbimde at\u0131yor, kalbim kalbinde… Zaman parmak u\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131zdan kay\u0131p gidiyor. Ama \u00f6nce senin\u2026 T\u00fcm \u00f6ncelerim ve t\u00fcm \u00f6nceli\u011fin ve her \u015feyim ve her \u015feyin\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2026<\/p>\n
Sana kar\u015f\u0131 merak\u0131m, susuzlu\u011funu gidermek i\u00e7in denizin suyunu kana kana i\u00e7en denizcinin h\u00e2line benzer. Dinmez, giderdim zannettik\u00e7e derinle\u015fir, kavurur i\u00e7imi. Bilmiyorum mesela nak\u0131\u015f yapar m\u0131s\u0131n? En \u00e7ok hangi filmi be\u011fenirsin? \u015eairlerden kimi kendine yak\u0131n bulursun? Hi\u00e7birini bilmiyorum. Ama zaman\u0131n gev\u015fek kumlar\u0131 sat\u0131rlar\u0131m\u0131n k\u00f6\u015fe ba\u015f\u0131ndan kay\u0131p gidiyor. \u00d6mr\u00fcm\u00fc veririm ama \u00f6mr\u00fcm ge\u00e7iyor… T\u00fckeniyor sermayem. T\u00fckeni\u015fime kar\u015f\u0131n g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc s\u00fcsleyen bulutlara f\u0131s\u0131ldayaca\u011f\u0131m s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerim bitmedi hen\u00fcz. Kulak ver, dinle:<\/p>\n
\u0130nsan uzun bir yola \u00e7\u0131karken yolun sonuna g\u00f6re de\u011fil, yolda ge\u00e7irece\u011fi zamana g\u00f6re haz\u0131rlar kendini. Yol \u00e7ok uzunsa var\u0131lacak menzil silikle\u015fir. \u00d6nemsizle\u015fir demeyece\u011fim, her menzil kendi ba\u015f\u0131na \u00f6nemlidir ama yol ve yol h\u00e2lleri daha bir g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr olur mesafeler \u00e7o\u011fald\u0131k\u00e7a. Sen tek ba\u015f\u0131na bir hedef, bir menzil de\u011filsin. Sen benim i\u00e7in bizzat “yol”un kendisisin. H\u00e2liyle ben \u015fu fani d\u00fcnyan\u0131n s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131 i\u00e7inde sana ula\u015fmaktan ziyade senin yolunda, sana y\u00fcr\u00fcmeyi \u00f6nemsiyorum. Sana y\u00fcr\u00fcmek demek, sana y\u00fcr\u00fcrken kendimin ve kalbimin s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131n\u0131 ke\u015ffetmek demek benim i\u00e7in. G\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcm\u00fcn geni\u015flemesi, ruhumun g\u00fcl bah\u00e7esine d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fmesi, b\u00fct\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcn da\u011f\u0131l\u0131p yeni bir anlam d\u00fczeyinde tazelenmi\u015f ve temizlenmi\u015f olarak a\u015fk\u0131nla v\u00fccut bulmas\u0131 demek.<\/p>\n
Tepkilerini g\u00f6remesem ve \u00f6l\u00e7emesem de yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m her bir harfin bir \u015fekilde gelip pencerene kondu\u011funu biliyorum. \u00c7a\u011fr\u0131c\u0131 harfler, m\u00fcjdeci harfler, sab\u0131rl\u0131 harfler onlar. Sabr\u0131m\u0131n s\u0131n\u0131r\u0131 \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn s\u0131n\u0131r\u0131d\u0131r. Benden fazla ya\u015farsan ki benden fazla ya\u015fa mutlaka, g\u00f6receksin.<\/p>\n
Her yolculuk kendi maceras\u0131 ve riskleriyle uzan\u0131r \u00f6n\u00fcm\u00fczde. Bir yang\u0131n\u0131n i\u00e7inden ge\u00e7en biri alevlerden hi\u00e7 zarar g\u00f6rmeyece\u011fim diyemez. Ate\u015f varsa yakar. Ate\u015f var, yak\u0131yor. Yolum, daha do\u011frusu sana do\u011fru uzay\u0131p duran bu dikenli ve k\u0131vr\u0131ml\u0131 yol; alevden \u0131rmaklardan, kor ate\u015ften vadilerden, kesif dumanlar\u0131yla nefes almaz bo\u011fazlardan ge\u00e7iyor. Ama ben y\u00fcr\u00fcyece\u011fim. “Yol”unda olmaktan ba\u015fka “yol” bilmiyorum kendime.<\/p>\n
\u015eimdi bir yakamoz par\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131 ol, gel vur bordama desem yine gelmeyeceksin biliyorum.<\/p>\n
Ama ben sana geliyorum.<\/p>\n
Ama ben sana geliyorum!<\/p>\n
Ama ben sana…<\/p>\n
\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
G\u00fcnayd\u0131n\u0131m, g\u00fcn \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131m, ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131m; Sana b\u00f6yle…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":158,"featured_media":9681,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9680"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/158"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9680"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9680\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9680"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9680"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9680"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}