{"id":9576,"date":"2019-10-05T23:39:43","date_gmt":"2019-10-05T20:39:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kadrandergi.com.tr\/?p=9576"},"modified":"2019-10-05T23:39:43","modified_gmt":"2019-10-05T20:39:43","slug":"gogumun-yorgun-kusuna-iki-defter-bir-kalem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/?p=9576","title":{"rendered":"G\u00f6\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcn Yorgun Ku\u015funa \u0130ki Defter Bir Kalem"},"content":{"rendered":"

G\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn Ku\u015fu, G\u00f6yn\u00fcn Ku\u015fu De\u011fil miydi?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Geldin.<\/p>\n

Ho\u015f geldin.<\/p>\n

Y\u0131llarca arad\u0131m ama yorulmu\u015f, bunalm\u0131\u015f, y\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m yanl\u0131\u015f kap\u0131lar\u0131 \u00e7almaktan. Buldum zannederken kaybeden olmaktan… Yol derken sarpa sapmaktan… Kaybede kaybede \u00f6\u011frenilmiyor direnme y\u00f6ntemleri. Ac\u0131 \u00e7ekmek engellemiyor ya\u015fanacak ac\u0131lar\u0131. Su, suyu durdurmuyor; ate\u015f, ate\u015fi.<\/p>\n

Sonra sen geldin b\u00fct\u00fcn yorgunluklar\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne. Yang\u0131n her yerdeydi. Kayal\u0131klar, u\u00e7urumlar, dikenler ve karanl\u0131k d\u00f6rt bir yanda. Uzunlu\u011fu y\u00fcz metreydi boyu y\u00fcz santim olmayan heyulalar\u0131n. Korku sal\u0131yordu g\u00fcven telkin etmesi gerekenler. Tersine d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc d\u00fcnya.<\/p>\n

Geldin, selam verdin, kondun bah\u00e7enin en dikenli dal\u0131na.<\/p>\n

Dikenler dedim; ayaklar\u0131n kanayacak, avu\u00e7lar\u0131n…<\/p>\n

Zaten delik de\u015fik ruhum ve bedenim, dedin.<\/p>\n

Saplad\u0131n ak gerdan\u0131na \u00e7elik di\u015flerini zaman\u0131n.<\/p>\n

B\u00fclb\u00fcl na\u011fmesi beklerken senden, bir de bakt\u0131m ki bildi\u011fim t\u00fcm \u015fark\u0131lar\u0131 biliyor, sevdi\u011fim t\u00fcm \u015fiirlerden dizeler okuyor, hayallerimi kendi hayallerin kadar yak\u0131ndan tan\u0131yorsun.<\/p>\n

Beni nas\u0131l bu kadar iyi tan\u0131yorsun? Bunu nas\u0131l yap\u0131yorsun?<\/p>\n

Geldin, zahirde aramad\u0131\u011f\u0131m ama b\u00e2t\u0131nda her dem arad\u0131\u011f\u0131m. Belki eteklerinde bir f\u0131rt\u0131na s\u00fcr\u00fckl\u00fcyorsun m\u00fclk\u00fcme, belki bahar \u00e7i\u00e7ekleri var kanatlar\u0131n\u0131n alt\u0131nda. Belki cennet, belki cehennemsin bilmiyorum. Belki de \u015fairin dedi\u011fi gibi: \u201cCehennet<\/em><\/strong>\u201d. Bilmiyorum. Umurumda da de\u011fil “\u00c7\u0131rp\u0131n\u0131p i\u00e7inde d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm deniz”. Kayg\u0131 edecek zamanlar\u0131 geride b\u0131rakt\u0131m. Beni anlayan\u0131 anlamak istiyorum sadece. Anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n beni anlamas\u0131n\u0131 sonra. Anlayacak iki dize bulursak \u015fu k\u0131sa hayatta, sevecek iki dize ne \u00e2l\u00e2.<\/p>\n

Geldin. Ac\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 s\u00fcr\u00fckleye s\u00fcr\u00fckleye geldin, ac\u0131lar\u0131nla kabul ettim. Geldin de nas\u0131l bir geli\u015fti o! G\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn kap\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 nas\u0131l a\u00e7t\u0131n \u00f6yle, \u015fim\u015feklerle karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 nas\u0131l ayd\u0131nlatt\u0131n! Kerametin nedir senin b\u00f6yle, dost musun d\u00fc\u015fman m\u0131?<\/p>\n

Ac\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131n sebebini bilmiyorum, sormad\u0131m, umurumda da de\u011fil. Ac\u0131n ben de\u011filim, sen benim ac\u0131m de\u011filsin. Belki derman sadece, belki \u015fiir.<\/p>\n

Geldin, geldi\u011fini biliyorum. G\u00f6rd\u00fcm. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ba\u011fr\u0131mdaki eski yaralar\u0131n cemi c\u00fcmlesi s\u0131zlad\u0131 ac\u0131 ac\u0131, oradan biliyorum. Karanfili ac\u0131s\u0131ndan tan\u0131rlar, g\u00fcl\u00fc renginden. B\u00fclb\u00fcl\u00fc sesinden. B\u00fclb\u00fcl\u2026 Dikenli g\u00fcl dal\u0131na \u015fifa niyetine konan garip b\u00fclb\u00fcl. Z\u00fclf\u00fc k\u00e2k\u00fclleri amber misali<\/em><\/strong> olan b\u00fclb\u00fcl.<\/p>\n

Geldin, safa geldin. Safa bul, ho\u015fluk bul, kederden ve h\u00fcz\u00fcnden beri’ ol bu ekim ya\u011fmurunda.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Varl\u0131\u011f\u0131na Senfoni<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Sen yoktun, g\u00f6lgen uzan\u0131yordu belli belirsiz balkonuma. Her g\u00fcn ufka bak\u0131p bak\u0131p \u015fa\u015f\u0131r\u0131yordum, bunca ayd\u0131nl\u0131k i\u00e7inde benimki nerede diye. Durgun, bulan\u0131k, sorunlu sular yalay\u0131p duruyordu k\u0131y\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131. Dalgalar di\u015flerini biliyordu bileklerimde. Canavarlar y\u00fcr\u00fcyordu soka\u011f\u0131ma karanl\u0131k dehlizlerden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p.<\/p>\n

Sen yoktun. Her g\u00fcn yeni bir f\u0131rt\u0131na gelip savuruyordu yapraklar\u0131m\u0131. Merhamet diye gelenler yak\u0131p y\u0131karak \u00e7ekiliyordu bah\u00e7elerimden. Ben insaf dedik\u00e7e hak ettin diyorlard\u0131. Bunca dikeni hak ettin… Bu cehennemin sebebi sensin. Merhametin senin cehennemin, g\u00fcnahlar\u0131nla in\u015fa ettin kesif \u0131st\u0131rab\u0131n\u0131. Hak ettin!<\/p>\n

Sen yoktun.<\/p>\n

P\u00fcr\u00fczs\u00fcz ve b\u00fcy\u00fck bir fanusun camlar\u0131n\u0131 parlat\u0131p duruyordum her g\u00fcn. M\u00fckemmel g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyordu her \u015fey, bezgin bir sirk hayvan\u0131n\u0131n hayat\u0131 kadar m\u00fckemmel. Ne kadar \u00e7abalarsa \u00e7abalas\u0131n, ak\u015fam mutlaka k\u0131rba\u00e7 \u015fakl\u0131yordu kulaklar\u0131n\u0131n dibinde. Ka\u00e7am\u0131yordum, ka\u00e7maya zaman\u0131m yoktu. Zaman\u0131m\u0131 rehin alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 terbiyecilerim. K\u0131rba\u00e7lar ac\u0131 vermez oluncaya kadar devam ediyordu hareket ve hakaretler: G\u00fcnd\u00fcz\u00fcm ayr\u0131 m\u00fckemmeldi, gecem ayr\u0131 m\u00fckemmel.<\/p>\n

Sen yoktun.<\/p>\n

Konu\u015fup duruyordum insanlarla ama kimse beni anlam\u0131yordu. Me\u011fer onlarla ayn\u0131 dili konu\u015fmuyormu\u015fum. Bunu anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131mda sustum, kendime bir evren in\u015fa ettim \u00f6yk\u00fclerle. O evrenin i\u00e7ine yerle\u015ftim. G\u00fcl dal\u0131 da b\u00fclb\u00fcl de ben oldum. Kanad\u0131m kendi i\u00e7imde, kanad\u0131m kendi i\u00e7ime. Kanat \u00e7\u0131rpt\u0131m y\u00fcre\u011fimin bulutsuz g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcnde. U\u00e7tuk\u00e7a u\u00e7tum, bakt\u0131m sonu yok y\u00fcre\u011fin, sevdim iyice g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc. G\u00fcnden g\u00fcne sevdim. Benden ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131n kanat \u00e7\u0131rpamad\u0131\u011f\u0131 o kirletilmemi\u015f g\u00f6k, her \u015feyimdi kafesimin i\u00e7inde.<\/p>\n

Sonra…<\/p>\n

Uzun ve kal\u0131n perdelerin aras\u0131ndan nas\u0131l uzat\u0131rsa ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 sabah \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131, \u00f6yle aniden ve hi\u00e7 sormadan \u00e7\u0131kageldin. Oldu\u011fun gibi, sen olarak ve ben olma niyetiyle geldin. Yaralar\u0131nla, pi\u015fmanl\u0131klar\u0131nla, heyecan\u0131nla, kan\u0131n\u0131n deli co\u015fkusuyla merhaba dedin.<\/p>\n

Ho\u015f geldin \u00e7ocuklu\u011fum.<\/p>\n

Ho\u015f geldin son ana kadar buruk, bazen ne\u015feli, genelde h\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc yan\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Ho\u015f geldin g\u00fclebildi\u011fim, ho\u015f geldin a\u011flayan\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Ho\u015f geldin yazamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m ve yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015fiirlerim.<\/p>\n

Ho\u015f geldin anlay\u0131\u015f\u0131m, anlayan\u0131m, sesimin yank\u0131s\u0131, sesime ses olan\u0131m.<\/p>\n

Neden bu kadar geciktin? Bu kadar ge\u00e7 kalmak zorunda m\u0131yd\u0131 dost selam\u0131n?<\/p>\n

Ey sesi a\u011f\u0131t olan, u\u00e7u\u015fup duruyorum ellerinle \u00f6r\u00fcp y\u00fckseltti\u011fin duvarlar\u0131n etraf\u0131nda.<\/p>\n

Ne dam\u0131na konabilirim ne dal\u0131na. Ama buraday\u0131m, kanat \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131yorum yamac\u0131nda.<\/p>\n

Senin kadar cesur de\u011filim, senin kadar g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc. \u0130ki defter, bir kalem b\u0131rak\u0131yorum ba\u015fucuna. Anlatacaklar\u0131n var, dinleyeceklerim. Sesine renk olsun kalemin, g\u00f6zlerinin \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131yla yaz\u0131ls\u0131n defterlerin.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

G\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn Ku\u015fu, G\u00f6yn\u00fcn Ku\u015fu De\u011fil miydi?…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":158,"featured_media":9577,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9576"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/158"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9576"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9576\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9576"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9576"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9576"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}