{"id":9527,"date":"2019-09-03T00:50:06","date_gmt":"2019-09-02T21:50:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kadrandergi.com.tr\/?p=9527"},"modified":"2019-09-03T00:50:06","modified_gmt":"2019-09-02T21:50:06","slug":"golge-valsi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/?p=9527","title":{"rendered":"G\u00f6lge Valsi"},"content":{"rendered":"

G\u0130R\u0130\u015e:<\/strong> Tam iki y\u00fcz kere \u00f6ld\u00fcm seni g\u00f6remeyince. \u0130ki y\u00fcz kere dirildim sonra. \u0130ki y\u00fcz + bir. Hepsinin \u00fcst\u00fcne bir \u00e7ay lekesi fildi\u015fi k\u00e2\u011f\u0131tta.<\/p>\n

Kendimden ka\u00e7\u0131yorum, de\u011fi\u015fmekten. Kendimden ka\u00e7\u0131p ka\u00e7\u0131p sana geliyorum. Uzun yoku\u015flar boyunca y\u00fcr\u00fcyorum soluklanmadan. \u00c7aresizli\u011fim kesiyor solu\u011fumu. Nefes nefese bir kavgaya d\u00f6n\u00fcyor aray\u0131\u015f\u0131m kap\u0131na do\u011fru. Sana geldik\u00e7e, o e\u015fikte durduk\u00e7a varl\u0131\u011f\u0131mla y\u00fcz y\u00fcze geliyorum. \u201cSen\u201dde \u201csen\u201dden \u00f6nce kendi \u201cben\u201dimi buldum ben. Beni sana soran olursa s\u00f6yle: Ben o e\u015fi\u011fim. O e\u015fikten i\u00e7eri girmeye ruhsat\u0131 olmayan adam var ya, i\u015fte o benim. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmekte \u00f6zg\u00fcr ama konu\u015fmakta\u2026 Bilenler sustu, cahiller ald\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 gitti. Bildim, sustum, geride kald\u0131m, sana ge\u00e7 kald\u0131m. Ah! Anlamad\u0131n.<\/p>\n

Sende kaybolduk\u00e7a kendim oluyorum, kendimden ne kadar ge\u00e7ersem o \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcde sana yakla\u015f\u0131yorum. Sana yakla\u015ft\u0131k\u00e7a \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011fa do\u011frudan bakan bir acemi ku\u015f gibi g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fc karar\u0131yor. Nefesim, etraf\u0131mda toplanan merakl\u0131 kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n u\u011fultusunda kayboluyor. Bir bak\u0131yorum o kalabal\u0131k g\u00f6\u011f\u00fc ku\u015fatm\u0131\u015f. Aram\u0131za girilmi\u015f, aram\u0131z a\u00e7\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, mesafeler \u00e7o\u011fald\u0131k\u00e7a \u00e7o\u011falm\u0131\u015f. Kendi ci\u011ferimi yiyorum d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fck\u00e7e. Kendi ci\u011ferimi, sana ula\u015fmak i\u00e7in att\u0131\u011f\u0131m her ad\u0131mda.<\/p>\n

D\u00f6n\u00fcp dola\u015f\u0131p o yoku\u015fa geliyorum.<\/p>\n

E\u015fi\u011finden ayr\u0131lmamak i\u00e7in yakar\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n

A\u011fa\u00e7lar yapraklar\u0131n\u0131 d\u00f6kmek \u00fczere.<\/p>\n

Bir g\u00fcz g\u00fcn\u00fc, her yer sar\u0131.<\/p>\n

G\u00fcne\u015f bat\u0131yor.<\/p>\n

Eyl\u00fcl serinli\u011fi.<\/p>\n

A\u011fl\u0131yorsun.<\/p>\n

Uzaktan evin g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyor, birlikte oraya bak\u0131yoruz. \u015ea\u015f\u0131rt\u0131c\u0131 ama ayn\u0131 y\u00f6ne. Evdekilerin bizden haberi yok, benim kendimden. Senin ba\u015f\u0131nda ba\u015fka mevsimlerin r\u00fczg\u00e2rlar\u0131. Hevesimde bo\u011fuldu\u011fumu g\u00f6r\u00fcp \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131 i\u00e7ime g\u00f6m\u00fcyorum. Ama bu safi bir saadet i\u015fte, senin yan\u0131nda olmak ve bakabilmek ayn\u0131 g\u00fcn bat\u0131m\u0131na.<\/p>\n

Gri: Kald\u0131r\u0131mlar, asfalt ve araba. Etraf\u0131na bak\u0131yorsun, boynu b\u00fck\u00fck olsa da sonbahar \u00e7i\u00e7ekleri sa\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda solumuzda.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u015eu \u00e7i\u00e7ekler gibi b\u00fckt\u00fcm boynumu, bekliyorum.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00c7\u00f6zmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n o yumak daha da karma\u015f\u0131kla\u015facak, biliyorsun.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yol kenar\u0131ndaki \u00e7ak\u0131l ta\u015flar\u0131ndan birka\u00e7\u0131n\u0131 eline al\u0131yor, dikkatle inceliyorsun. \u0130kisini ay\u0131r\u0131p di\u011ferlerini yama\u00e7tan a\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya, uzaklara do\u011fru f\u0131rlat\u0131yorsun. Sesin, aram\u0131zdaki bo\u015flu\u011fu bir s\u00fcreli\u011fine dolduruyor:<\/p>\n

\u201cBa\u015f\u0131mda ka\u00e7 s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 var bir bilsen, ka\u00e7 cendereden ge\u00e7mek zorunday\u0131m her g\u00fcn!..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDertleri saymak, sayabilmek de bir t\u00fcr onaylama. Kalp yaln\u0131zca kendi derdinin bilincinde olabilir, derdin kendisinin de\u011fil.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cY\u00fcre\u011fimin bordas\u0131na \u00e7arpan h\u0131r\u00e7\u0131n dalgalar\u0131 sayamam. Ama sayabilmek isterdim. Buna ister hesapl\u0131l\u0131k de ister ispat. Bir\u00e7ok \u015fey gibi ac\u0131n\u0131n da bir \u00f6l\u00e7e\u011fi olsa ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m daha kolay olurdu belki.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u0130\u015fte ben o uzun yoku\u015fta kalakald\u0131m. Yolun sonunu g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum ama inemiyorum. \u0130nmeye g\u00fcc\u00fcm yok o u\u00e7urumdan, o saat diliminden \u00e7\u0131kmaya benim ruhum dayanmaz. Evini, soka\u011f\u0131n\u0131, mahalleni biliyorum. Hangi pencereden izliyorsun kar\u015f\u0131 tepeyi, hangi sandalyeye oturuyorsun kitap okurken, \u00e7ay barda\u011f\u0131n\u0131 nas\u0131l tutuyorsun ve hangi sehpay\u0131 kullan\u0131yorsun kahve fincan\u0131n\u0131 koymak i\u00e7in\u2026 Ne t\u00fcr kalemleri seversin, defterine neler yazars\u0131n, el yaz\u0131n\u0131n k\u0131vr\u0131mlar\u0131 nas\u0131ld\u0131r mesela? Hepsini biliyorum ama sana ula\u015fam\u0131yorum. Seninle aram\u0131zda dalgalan\u0131p duran \u201cdil\u201din yaln\u0131zca birka\u00e7 kelimesini anlayabiliyoruz. Geri kalan\u0131 sonsuzlu\u011fa uzanan kadim ve b\u00fcy\u00fck bir gizem. \u00c7\u00f6z\u00fclmeyi beklemeyecek kadar uzak sonsuzlukta.<\/p>\n

Arabaya oturuyoruz tekrar. \u00dc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fc\u015fs\u00fcn. G\u00fcz havas\u0131 \u00e7arpar tabii ki. Ellerini tutmak ve \u0131s\u0131tmak m\u00fcmk\u00fcn avu\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131n aras\u0131na al\u0131p. Ama yapamam. Neden yapamayaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 ikimiz de biliyoruz. Ayn\u0131 \u201cdil\u201dden s\u00f6yle\u015fmesek de durumu kabulleniyoruz.<\/p>\n

Sana bak\u0131yorum her f\u0131rsatta. Kimsenin ne d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc \u00f6nemseyecek durumda de\u011filim. Ruhum bunca \u0131st\u0131rap \u00e7ekerken imal\u0131 bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131 dert edemem. Tertemiz bir kalbin ve \u0131\u015f\u0131l \u0131\u015f\u0131l g\u00f6zlerin var. Bunlar sende varken \u015fark\u0131lar ve \u015fiirlerin g\u00fczelli\u011fi \u00f6nemsiz detaylardan ibaret. Dakika dakika bulan\u0131kla\u015fan g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fcler orman\u0131 parmaklar\u0131n. \u0130smin, i\u00e7imde kapatt\u0131\u011f\u0131m t\u00fcm kap\u0131lar\u0131 a\u00e7an bir anahtar. Kap\u0131lar\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131yorum ve r\u00fcyalar\u0131m bile \u00e7al\u0131yor seni benden. Dikenli teller \u00e7ekiliyor aram\u0131za. Sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131n k\u0131vr\u0131mlar\u0131 daima ufkun \u00f6te yan\u0131nda kalacak. Ad\u0131mlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n aras\u0131ndaki bo\u015flu\u011fa mezar ta\u015f\u0131 suratl\u0131 karanl\u0131k harfler giriyor, oradan ku\u015fatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorlar hazinelerini. Sana ula\u015fmaya, beni senden al\u0131koymaya gayretliler. Ne kadar uzaksam o kadar \u00e7o\u011fal\u0131yor k\u00f6t\u00fc emelli y\u0131\u011f\u0131nlar. Uyan\u0131nca senin d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda sana dair hi\u00e7bir \u015fey hat\u0131rlayam\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n

G\u00f6zlerin doluyor. A\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 benden saklamak i\u00e7in o bembeyaz ve \u00fc\u015f\u00fcm\u00fc\u015f ellerle kapat\u0131yorsun y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc. \u00d6ylece bak\u0131yorum haline. G\u00f6zp\u0131narlar\u0131m kurumad\u0131 elbette, tepkisiz kal\u0131\u015f\u0131m s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerle a\u011flamamdan. Duygular\u0131mdan \u00e7ok daha fazlas\u0131s\u0131n ve ben seni ak\u0131l oyunlar\u0131na ya da hayallerime hapsedemem. Ak\u0131ldan bir kafes istemem d\u00fc\u015flerine. Benim sana, seninse ger\u00e7e\u011fin bizzat kendisine ihtiyac\u0131n var.<\/p>\n

GE\u00c7\u0130\u015e:<\/strong> Ezberlenmi\u015f \u015fiirler yerine ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131 olmayan \u00f6yk\u00fcler okumak istiyorum sana. Ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z yeri unutal\u0131m, gitti\u011fimiz yeri m\u00fcmk\u00fcnse hi\u00e7 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeyelim. Sadece bu k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck zaman diliminde bize ait olarak kals\u0131n t\u00fcm ya\u015fananlar. Yaln\u0131zca ikimizin bildi\u011fi \u015feyler, \u201cyaln\u0131z\u201dca ikimiz, yaln\u0131z. \u015eu d\u00fc\u015f saatinde b\u00fct\u00fcn arzular\u0131n\u0131 yerine getirmek isterdim ama o zaman senden geriye bir \u015fey kalmazd\u0131. Solmu\u015f bir \u00e7i\u00e7ekten ba\u015fka nedir t\u00fcm arzular\u0131 giderilmi\u015f bir insan? Kaybolman\u0131n tan\u0131m\u0131n\u0131 yapmadan ona sahip olmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorsun ama olamazs\u0131n. Arzular\u0131n\u0131 giderdik\u00e7e do\u011fall\u0131ktan uzakla\u015facak ve sen olmaktan \u00e7\u0131kacaks\u0131n. Biliyorum. Biliyorsun. G\u00f6lgelerin \u00e7o\u011falmas\u0131 hep benim bu bilgi\u00e7li\u011fimden.<\/p>\n

Sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 uzun s\u00fcredir g\u00f6rmedim. G\u00f6remem de. Ama biliyorum nas\u0131l olduklar\u0131n\u0131 ve r\u00fczg\u00e2rda nas\u0131l savrulduklar\u0131n\u0131. Sa\u00e7lar\u0131n savrulurken \u00f6yle bir bak\u0131yorsun ki g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcne, y\u0131ld\u0131zlar\u0131n ritmi bozuluyor. Yollar\u0131n\u0131 \u015fa\u015f\u0131r\u0131yor g\u00f6\u00e7men ku\u015flar. Salk\u0131m sa\u00e7ak damlalarda beliriyor ayd\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn. Dalg\u0131n sezgilerine d\u00f6k\u00fclen ya\u015fama kabiliyetin y\u00fcrek y\u00fcrek \u00e7arp\u0131yor bende. S\u00f6yleyecek \u00e7ok \u015fey var evet. Tutsakl\u0131k zincirimi k\u0131rarken s\u00f6zlerime bir y\u00f6n verebilmek i\u00e7in bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131na s\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131yorum. Dura\u011fan\u0131n de\u011fil, sonsuz karma\u015fan\u0131n i\u00e7inde bulmaya ahdetti\u011fim s\u00fck\u00fbnsun. Sessizli\u011fimi g\u00fcne\u015fte dinlendiriyorum ve sensizlikte demleniyor duygular\u0131m par\u00e7alanm\u0131\u015f geceler boyunca. Kimsesizli\u011fime s\u0131rt \u00e7evirip kendimi kalabal\u0131klara atarak ar\u0131yorum g\u00f6lgenden kalan izleri.<\/p>\n

Mecazlar\u0131 zihnin oyunlar\u0131 gibi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnebilirsin. Nereden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 \u015fimdi bu s\u00f6z deme. Bilincin derecelerinin birinden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p birine giriyorum. Kanca, kanl\u0131 kanca. Pasl\u0131 bir \u00e7iviyle tutturulmu\u015f duvara. Yakalay\u0131p \u00e7ekiyor kalbimi yukar\u0131ya. Fark\u0131nda de\u011filsin ama etraf\u0131n\u0131 ku\u015fatan e\u015fya, r\u00fcyalar\u0131n\u0131n ba\u015flang\u0131c\u0131ndan esasl\u0131 \u015fekilde ayr\u0131l\u0131yor.<\/p>\n

Ger\u00e7e\u011fi ya\u015famak.<\/p>\n

Ger\u00e7ekte ya\u015famak.<\/p>\n

Ger\u00e7ekten ya\u015famak.<\/p>\n

Seni \u00f6zledi\u011fim m\u00fcddet\u00e7e r\u00fczg\u00e2r\u0131n hangi y\u00f6nden esti\u011finin ne \u00f6nemi var? Sensizli\u011fin arkeolojisi. Seni kaz\u0131yorum bulutlar\u0131n kesif ve ma\u011frur katmanlar\u0131 aras\u0131ndan. Y\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n \u015fehre d\u00f6n\u00fcyorum her sabah. Manzaran\u0131n ak\u0131\u015f\u0131nda do\u011fuyor kalbimin zaman\u0131. Orada, o yoku\u015fta, seninle beraber uzaktan evine bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u2026 Mevsimleri bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131n belirliyor, bilmiyorsun. \u0130\u00e7imdeki tedirgin ko\u015fu\u015fturmacan\u0131n do\u011fal ve a\u015fik\u00e2r sonu\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 defnettim ba\u015fucuna.<\/p>\n

Korkularla ba\u015flatt\u0131\u011f\u0131n bir masal\u0131 huzurla bitirmelisin. Korkaklar g\u00f6lgelerin huzurunu hak etmez, \u00fcrkekler m\u00fcstesna. \u0130nsanlar muhte\u015fem hik\u00e2yeler ya\u015far ama anlatamazlar. En eski anlat\u0131c\u0131y\u0131 bulup \u00e7\u0131kar evrak y\u0131\u011f\u0131nlar\u0131n\u0131n alt\u0131ndan. Anlats\u0131n halimi sana. Beni bana b\u0131rakma. Beni sensiz b\u0131rakma.<\/p>\n

B\u0130T\u0130\u015e:<\/strong> Hominem te memento! \/ Unutma, sadece bir insans\u0131n!<\/em><\/p>\n

Camdan s\u00fcz\u00fclen ya\u011fmur da bir \u00f6yk\u00fcs\u00fc olsun ister. Kalemler \u015fiir yazmak, k\u00e2\u011f\u0131tlar \u015fiir olmak ister. Ama olmaz. \u0130ncelikler t\u0131ls\u0131ml\u0131 dantellerin tahakk\u00fcm\u00fcnden azade. Gergefte i\u015flenen bir motif gibi dokunmas\u0131 m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil ger\u00e7ekli\u011fe \u00e7\u0131kan yollar\u0131n. Herkes ya\u015fam\u0131n b\u00fcy\u00fck s\u0131rr\u0131n\u0131 buldu\u011fu iddias\u0131nda. S\u0131rlar, \u00f6n\u00fcm\u00fcze yay\u0131lan gelecekte de\u011fil ard\u0131m\u0131zda b\u0131rakt\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131zda buluyor ifadesini.<\/p>\n

Sesini yoklu\u011funa say\u0131yorum \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n, evet kendi varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n, seni bilmekten aciz. \u0130smini varolu\u015fla \u00e7a\u011f\u0131ramam. Mevcutlar bozulacak zaman\u0131n pe\u015finden ko\u015ftuk\u00e7a. Ben ko\u015famam ama beklerim. Beklemek zaman\u0131n de\u011firmenine zincirlenmi\u015f bir adakt\u0131r nihayetinde. Hem ac\u0131 \u00e7ekmenin en fiyakal\u0131 yolu vuslat umudu olmadan ya\u015famak.<\/p>\n

Neden beklemeyeyim o yoku\u015fa d\u00fc\u015fecek g\u00f6lgeni?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

G\u0130R\u0130\u015e: Tam iki y\u00fcz kere \u00f6ld\u00fcm…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":158,"featured_media":9528,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9527"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/158"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9527"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9527\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9527"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9527"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9527"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}