Tatil yapmak i\u00e7in gitti\u011fim memleketimde t\u00fcm sorumluluklar\u0131mdan kurtulmu\u015f olman\u0131n mutlulu\u011fu ve hafifli\u011fiyle serserice dola\u015f\u0131yordum. Akl\u0131m da kalbim gibi bombo\u015f, ayaklar\u0131m\u0131n emrine girmi\u015f ezberledi\u011fim yollar\u0131 a\u015f\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131yordum. S\u0131rt \u00e7antamla kombinledi\u011fim topuklu ayakkab\u0131mla asl\u0131nda bu sokaklar\u0131n \u00e7ocu\u011fu olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 isbat etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordum sanki. Surat\u0131mda kuruyan s\u00fcm\u00fc\u011f\u00fcme, kupkuru ellerime, birbirine dola\u015fm\u0131\u015f koyun y\u00fcn\u00fc gibi merinos sa\u00e7lar\u0131ma, terli\u011fin \u00f6n\u00fcnden f\u0131rlayan ayaklar\u0131ma bu sokaklar \u015fahit olmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 sanki. Yemi\u015f i\u00e7in a\u011flayan, d\u00f6vd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc \u00e7ocuklar taraf\u0131ndan kovalanan ve korktu\u011fu zaman ayaklar\u0131 totosuna vura vura ko\u015fan, evinin s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131na yakla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131nda arkasindakilere k\u00fcf\u00fcrler savuran ben de\u011fildim sanki. Ta ki ilkokulu okudu\u011fum okulun bah\u00e7e duvarlar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rene kadar, kuru duvarlar\u0131n\u0131… Bombo\u015f, bah\u00e7ede yerinde yeller esen okulumun…<\/p>\n
Yenisi yap\u0131lacak diye y\u0131k\u0131lan, ama yenisinin yap\u0131lmad\u0131\u011f\u0131, sadece duvarlar\u0131 kalan okulumun. Yenisi in\u015fa edilsin diye eskisi imha edilmi\u015fti. Eskiyi yok etmeden yenisi in\u015fa edilmiyor. \u00dcz\u00fclm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm,\u00a0 be\u015f y\u0131l\u0131m\u0131 ge\u00e7irdi\u011fim okulumda bir \u00f6mre s\u0131\u011fan an\u0131lar biriktirdi\u011fimi hat\u0131rlad\u0131m birden. Mavi \u00f6nl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmle ko\u015fu\u015ftura ko\u015fu\u015ftura girdi\u011fim s\u0131ra, teneff\u00fcste yedi\u011fim incecik ekmekle yap\u0131lan ve hi\u00e7bir zaman ayn\u0131 tad\u0131 bulamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m tost… Nas\u0131l bi lezzetti o! Az oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in mi, her zaman yiyemedi\u011fimiz i\u00e7in mi sebebini bilmiyorum ama \u015fimdiye kadar yedi\u011fim t\u00fcm tostlar\u0131 o g\u00fcn yedi\u011fim tostlar\u0131n hat\u0131r\u0131na yedi\u011fime yemin etsem g\u00fcnah olmaz. Ya o ilk kalp \u00e7arp\u0131nt\u0131s\u0131, masumca sevmenin b\u00fcy\u00fck ac\u0131s\u0131, heyecan\u0131, co\u015fkusu…<\/p>\n
And\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 okurken girdi\u011fimiz s\u0131rada yan yana gelmek i\u00e7in g\u00f6sterdi\u011fim \u00e7aba… O boy s\u0131ras\u0131 var ya, o g\u00fcnlerde kar\u015f\u0131ma sorun olarak \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 ilkin. O, uzun boylu oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in her zaman en arkaya ge\u00e7erdi, ben k\u0131sa oldu\u011fum i\u00e7in en \u00f6ne… Hayat hep en sevdiklerimizi en uza\u011f\u0131m\u0131za att\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in belki biz hayatta kalmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yoruz. Hep bir g\u00fcn kavu\u015furuz umuduyla ya\u015fam\u0131yor muyuz bir\u00e7o\u011fumuz!\u00a0 Bug\u00fcn olmad\u0131 yar\u0131n, yar\u0131n olmad\u0131 ertesi g\u00fcn… Ama ben her g\u00fcn \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcyordum. Ne \u00fcz\u00fclmekten vazge\u00e7tim ne de yanyana gelmeyi ummaktan… Ad\u0131mlar\u0131m yava\u015flama,\u00a0 g\u00f6zlerim puslanmaya ba\u015flad\u0131. Bo\u011faz\u0131mda oturan her neyse nefes almam\u0131 zorla\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131. A\u015fk ac\u0131s\u0131 de\u011fil bu; bu vazge\u00e7i\u015fli\u011fin, u\u011fruna emek vermeye de\u011fer bir \u015feylerin olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 fark etmenin, de\u011ferli \u015feyleri fark edememenin \u0131zd\u0131rab\u0131…<\/p>\n
Eve gitme zili \u00e7al\u0131nca ah\u0131rdan \u00e7\u0131kan koyun s\u00fcr\u00fcleri gibi olu\u015fumuz geldi g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcne. S\u00fcr\u00fcle\u015fmek… Kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131 yara yara bah\u00e7e kap\u0131s\u0131na bi ko\u015fu\u015fum var ki adeta bu bir yar\u0131\u015f ve ben fini\u015f band\u0131na yeti\u015fmek i\u00e7in u\u011fra\u015f\u0131yorum,\u00a0 yeti\u015fmek istedi\u011fim sadece o idi oysa. Evlerimize giden g\u00fczerg\u00e2h ayn\u0131yd\u0131. Yolumuzu ay\u0131ran ne k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck ne de b\u00fcy\u00fck ama olduk\u00e7a pis olan bir ar\u0131kt\u0131(su kanal\u0131). \u00dcst\u00fcne dandik bir k\u00f6pr\u00fc yap\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, iki ki\u015fi ayn\u0131 anda y\u00fcr\u00fcyemez. Her ge\u00e7mi\u015fimde korku ya\u015fard\u0131m, nitekim korktu\u011fum ba\u015f\u0131ma gelmi\u015fti. \u0130\u015fte o \u00e7irkin ar\u0131k benimle onun evinin yolunu ay\u0131r\u0131yordu. Ben a\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya o yukar\u0131ya gidiyorduk. Ama her g\u00fcn onunla ayn\u0131 yolu y\u00fcr\u00fcyebilmek i\u00e7in g\u00f6sterdi\u011fim \u00e7abay\u0131 bir daha kimseyle y\u00fcr\u00fcmek i\u00e7in g\u00f6stermedim.<\/p>\n
Okuldan benden \u00f6nce \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcnce s\u0131rt\u0131mdaki \u00e7antan\u0131n a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131na ve beni \u00e7a\u011f\u0131ranlara kulak asmadan ona yeti\u015fmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r, yakla\u015f\u0131nca yava\u015flar ad\u0131mlar\u0131n\u0131 takip ederdim sessizce. Hi\u00e7 arkas\u0131na bakmaz, yorgun ve d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceli d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceli ilerlerdi. Zaten genelde de sessiz, derslerinde ba\u015far\u0131l\u0131 ve efendi biriydi. Sesi kendisinden g\u00fczeldi. Her m\u00fczik dersimizde \u00f6\u011fretmenimiz onu tahtaya \u00e7\u0131kart\u0131r, \u0130brahim Tatl\u0131ses\u2019ten \u015fark\u0131 s\u00f6yletirdi. O da Urfal\u0131\u2019yd\u0131 ve \u00e7ok g\u00fczel s\u00f6ylerdi. S\u0131n\u0131ftaki hi\u00e7bir k\u0131zla ilgilenmez, a\u011fz\u0131ndan bi tek benim ismim duyulmu\u015ftur. Bir iki kez s\u0131rama gelmi\u015f bir \u015feyler istemi\u015fti. O g\u00fcnden sonra t\u00fcm s\u0131n\u0131f onun beni sevdi\u011fini s\u00f6yl\u00fcyordu. Bi dedikodu bu kadar g\u00fczel, bu kadar iyi, bu kadar anlaml\u0131 olamazd\u0131.<\/p>\n
Ad\u0131n\u0131 yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m defterleri kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131ran ablam olay\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6zm\u00fc\u015f, onun ad\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6yleyerek benimle kafa buluyor bazen de tehdit ediyordu. Her istedi\u011fini b\u00f6ylelikle bana yapt\u0131rmay\u0131 ba\u015fard\u0131 uzun s\u00fcre. \u00c7ocu\u011fun soyad\u0131n\u0131 babam\u0131n yan\u0131nda s\u00f6yleyip \u2018\u2018Baba, sen bu soyad\u0131nda birilerini tan\u0131yon mu?\u2019\u2019 diye sorup benim adrenalin patlamas\u0131 ya\u015famamdan zevk al\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n
\u0130nan\u0131l\u0131r gibi de\u011fil, annemlerin en \u00e7ok g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fc, evlerinde yiyip i\u00e7ti\u011fimiz, k\u0131z\u0131yla karde\u015f gibi oldu\u011fumuz insanlar\u0131n evine misafirli\u011fe gitmi\u015ftik. Bah\u00e7ede erik a\u011fa\u00e7lar\u0131 vard\u0131. A\u011faca \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p erik yemekle me\u015fgulken evin k\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n bah\u00e7e duvar\u0131ndan arka kom\u015fular\u0131na gidip geldi\u011fini g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Emanet konan tu\u011flalar her an y\u0131k\u0131lacak gibi duruyordu. \u2018\u2018K\u0131z Derya sen nereye gidip geliyorsun?\u2019\u2019 dedim. \u2018\u2018Yeni kom\u015fular\u0131m\u0131z geldi. Urfal\u0131lar ama \u00e7ok iyiler\u2019\u2019dedi. O g\u00fcn farketmedim, ama bug\u00fcn kahrediyorum. Biz kendi i\u00e7imizde bile ayr\u0131\u015ft\u0131rma, \u00f6tekile\u015ftirme, d\u0131\u015flama vs. dilini benimsemi\u015f ve normalle\u015ftirmi\u015fiz. Yani kar\u015f\u0131la\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z ve ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z hi\u00e7 bir \u015fey tesad\u00fcf de\u011fil. Neyse, benimle oynamak yerine kom\u015fular\u0131yla ilgilenen Derya\u2019ya k\u0131zm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Tabi onun dikkatini bu kadar \u00e7eken kom\u015fular\u0131n\u0131 merak da etmi\u015ftim. A\u011fa\u00e7tan merdivenden iner gibi inmi\u015f solu\u011fu Derya\u2019n\u0131n hevesle konu\u015ftu\u011fu yeni kom\u015fular\u0131n\u0131n yan\u0131nda alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m son soluktu sanki, d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kmamak i\u00e7in tak\u0131l\u0131p kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bo\u011faz\u0131mda… Damarlar\u0131mda dola\u015fan deli kan\u0131m nereye gitti bi anda? Nas\u0131l buz kesti bedenim ans\u0131z\u0131n? Bi yandan elektri\u011fe maruz kalm\u0131\u015f gibi olan sa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131 d\u00fczeltirken bi yandan s\u00f6v\u00fcyordum; darmada\u011f\u0131n ve pis olan halime. Apans\u0131z yakaland\u0131\u011f\u0131n hi\u00e7 beklemedi\u011fin birebir senin muhatab\u0131 oldu\u011fun ve ka\u00e7acak delik aray\u0131p bulamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n y\u00fczle\u015fmekten ba\u015fka \u00e7are kalmayan olaylar vard\u0131r ya, ba\u015f\u0131na belki bir ka\u00e7 kez gelmi\u015ftir ama en travmatik etkiyi ilk kez ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n b\u0131rak\u0131r ya hani… \u0130\u015fte \u00f6yle bir an. Kar\u015f\u0131mda onu g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Neremi d\u00fczelteyim ki, sa\u00e7\u0131m. Allah’tan \u00fcmit kesilmez modunda y\u00fcz\u00fcm, \u2018\u2018\u0130t yalasa doyar\u2019\u2019 s\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fcn hakk\u0131n\u0131 veriyor, elbiselerim; Ay\u015fe Teyze\u2019nin ACE\u2019sini bile aciz b\u0131rakacak halde… Neremi d\u00fczelteyim? Bi elimle sa\u00e7\u0131m\u0131 yalandan d\u00fczeltirken bi elimle ete\u011fimi \u00e7eki\u015ftiriyor sahte bir g\u00fcl\u00fcc\u00fckle de muhabbet etmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordum. Kendi peri\u015fanl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 fark ettirmemek u\u011fruna \u2018\u2018Aa! Siz burada m\u0131 oturuyorsunuz Muhittin? Eviniz \u00e7ok k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fckm\u00fc\u015f\u2019\u2019 diyerek kendimi habire k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcltt\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc g\u00f6remiyormu\u015fum.<\/p>\n
O g\u00fcn utanc\u0131mdan ka\u00e7\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u00f6zlerimle bug\u00fcn okuyorum onun g\u00f6zlerini… Bug\u00fcnk\u00fc utanc\u0131m\u0131 anlatacak kelime bulam\u0131yorum. Durdum. Tekrar bakt\u0131m, yerinde olmayan okuluma. Ne okudu\u011fumuz \u015feyler, \u00a0ne de \u00f6\u011frendiklerimiz hi\u00e7biri kar\u015f\u0131m\u0131za \u00e7\u0131kmad\u0131, hayatta ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z kadar… Y\u00fcr\u00fcmeye devam ettim, y\u00fcr\u00fcmek zorunday\u0131m ama art\u0131k her ad\u0131m\u0131m daha anlaml\u0131 ve a\u011f\u0131r gelmeye ba\u015flad\u0131. Okulun yan\u0131ndaki evler kom\u015fular\u0131m\u0131z\u0131nd\u0131. Hepsine \u00f6zlemle bakt\u0131m. En \u00e7ok gitti\u011fim evler, en sevdi\u011fim arkada\u015flar\u0131m\u0131n evleriydi. Duvarlarda konu\u015fur ama sessiz, s\u00f6zs\u00fcz\u00a0 \u2018\u2018Art\u0131k \u00e7ok ge\u00e7 bebe\u011fim!\u2019\u2019 yaz\u0131s\u0131, ba\u015f\u0131mda balyoz etkisi yapm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Kire\u00e7le s\u0131vanm\u0131\u015f duvara, k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131 renkli boyayla \u2018\u2019Art\u0131k \u00e7ok ge\u00e7 bebe\u011fim!\u2019\u2019 yaz\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Her \u015fey i\u00e7in de\u011filse bile \u00e7ok \u015fey i\u00e7in ge\u00e7ti evet. \u0130nim inim inledi ruhum. Puslu g\u00f6zlerle yava\u015f yava\u015f yoluma ilerliyordum. Ezberledi\u011fim yollar yabanc\u0131la\u015f\u0131yor gittik\u00e7e.<\/p>\n
\u0130tip kak\u0131\u015fmam\u0131z \u00e7ok olsada yedi\u011fimiz i\u00e7ti\u011fimiz ayr\u0131 gitmeyen Zehragil\u2019in evinin \u00f6n\u00fcne geldim. \u201cBu ev sat\u0131l\u0131kt\u0131r\u2019\u2019 yaz\u0131yordu, demir kap\u0131yla duvar aras\u0131nda. Uzun y\u0131llard\u0131r ayr\u0131yd\u0131k asl\u0131nda. Hepimiz bi vesileyle terketmi\u015ftik yerimizi yurdumuzu. Ama ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z, \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumuz, hayallerimiz, hatalar\u0131m\u0131z, masumiyetimiz hepsi hep orada kalacakt\u0131 sanki, kalmal\u0131yd\u0131… \u00dcst\u00fcnden ge\u00e7erken korktu\u011fum ve i\u011frendi\u011fim pis su kanal\u0131 bile yoktu art\u0131k ve art\u0131k i\u011frendi\u011fim \u015feyler de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015fti. Sokaklar\u0131 belediyeler temizliyor, insanlar bunu en iyi ve d\u00fczenli yapan\u0131 destekliyor. Herkesin birbirine devretti\u011fi \u015fey bi tek sorumluluk oldu. Bah\u00e7esinde \u0130stiklal Mar\u015f\u0131 okunurken istemeden k\u0131p\u0131rdad\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in enseme yedi\u011fim tokatlar y\u00fcz\u00fcnden so\u011fudu\u011fum okul da,\u00a0 ko\u015fup oynad\u0131\u011f\u0131m sokaklar da, mesken tuttu\u011fum evler de, kalbime ilk dokunu\u015fu yapan duygu da; hepsi de \u2018\u2018Yand\u0131 bitti k\u00fcl oldu…\u2019\u2019<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Tatil yapmak i\u00e7in gitti\u011fim memleketimde t\u00fcm…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":175,"featured_media":9469,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[66],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9468"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/175"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9468"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9468\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9468"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9468"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9468"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}