Yoksullu\u011fun, yoksunlu\u011fun ve bundan duyulan huzursuzlu\u011fun g\u00fcya en dibine vurdu\u011fumu zannetti\u011fim bir ak\u015fam\u00fcst\u00fc, ince ince \u00e7iseleyen yaz ya\u011fmurunun alt\u0131nda; y\u0131rt\u0131k ti\u015f\u00f6rt\u00fc, yamal\u0131 pantolonuyla belki haftalarca y\u0131kanmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 belli; bitkin haliyle, zay\u0131fl\u0131ktan \u00f6ne do\u011fru f\u0131rlam\u0131\u015f elmac\u0131k kemiklerinin iki kara par\u00e7as\u0131n\u0131 s\u0131k\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmas\u0131 gibi ortaya \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131\u011f\u0131 siyah, iri g\u00f6zleriyle, uzun ve k\u0131vrak parmaklar\u0131n\u0131n aras\u0131na tutu\u015fturulan geli\u015fig\u00fczel paketlenmi\u015f mendilleriyle \u201cBe hey, ben varken sen de kimsin ki y\u00fcz\u00fcn k\u0131zarmadan ge\u00e7mi\u015fsin kar\u015f\u0131ma da bana ac\u0131dan dem vuruyorsun!\u201d dercesine bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 \u00fcst\u00fcme diken, daha konu\u015fmadan t\u00fcylerimi diken diken eden bir sokak \u00e7ocu\u011funun d\u00fcnyas\u0131na girmenin k\u00fclfetini, bu kez onun suskunlu\u011fundan dinledim iyi mi? Peki neler mi s\u00f6yledi? Anlat\u0131yorum o halde siz de dinleyin beni.<\/p>\n
\u201c\u00d6n\u00fcne bakmadan \u00f6n\u00fcmden ge\u00e7enlerin keskin ve k\u0131vrak zekalar\u0131n\u0131n izleri, tok ve gaddar bir g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fcn\u00fcn ard\u0131ndan kopan hengameyi an\u0131msat\u0131yor bana s\u00fcrekli. Yabanc\u0131s\u0131 oldu\u011fum bir kentin yabani hayvanlar\u0131 taraf\u0131ndan esir al\u0131nm\u0131\u015f gibiyim. \u015ea\u015faal\u0131 maskelerin ard\u0131na saklanan suretleri te\u015fhis ile tespit etmekten usand\u0131m. Yoruldum b\u00e2t\u0131n ile zahirin aras\u0131ndaki u\u00e7uruma k\u00f6pr\u00fcler kurmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmaktan ve hep arada kalan olmaktan. Bezdim, t\u00fckendim may\u0131na basan ayaklar\u0131n ba\u015fucunda onlar\u0131n kurtulmas\u0131n\u0131 beklerken yoluma d\u00f6\u015fenen dinamitlere basmaktan. S\u0131k\u0131ld\u0131m hep ayn\u0131 efsanenin saf, iyi y\u00fcrekli, cesur kahraman\u0131 rol\u00fcnde g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcp K\u00fcl Kedisi misali geceleri saat on ikiyi vurdu\u011funda bin yerinden k\u0131r\u0131k kabu\u011fumda uykuya dalmaktan.<\/p>\n
Mesela annem diyorum,hani vard\u0131r ya herkesin d\u00fcnyaya geli\u015f vesilesi. Evimizin dire\u011fi dedi\u011fi babam y\u0131k\u0131l\u0131nca o enkaz\u0131n alt\u0131ndan kalkman\u0131n yolu ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131n nik\u00e2h\u0131na girmektir sanmasayd\u0131. Dimdik dursayd\u0131 zorluklar kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc olsayd\u0131. Hayat yerden yere vurmakla imtihan ederken k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck kalbimizi,h\u0131rpalarken s\u0131ska bedenlerimizi, o inad\u0131na dayansayd\u0131; tan\u0131mad\u0131\u011f\u0131, yang\u0131ndan mal ka\u00e7\u0131ran at h\u0131rs\u0131z\u0131 suratl\u0131 adam yerine bize yani iki d\u00fcnya g\u00fczeli evlad\u0131na yaslansayd\u0131 var g\u00fcc\u00fcyle. Birlikte olsayd\u0131k da ne olacaksa \u00f6yle olsayd\u0131.<\/p>\n
Yahut s\u0131rma sa\u00e7l\u0131 boncuk g\u00f6zl\u00fc g\u00fczel karde\u015fim k\u0131z olman\u0131n \u00e7ekicili\u011finin ve albenisinin ard\u0131nda gizlenen zorlu\u011fu daha k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fckken cinsiyet ne demektir bilmezken bir haysiyet yoksununun y\u00fcz\u00fcnden tatmasayd\u0131. Kar\u0131\u015fmasayd\u0131 onun da g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131 bir sonbahar ya\u011fmurunun alt\u0131nda debelenen sar\u0131mt\u0131rak yapraklara. Minicik elleriyle sar\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 ya\u015fam halat\u0131 boynuna dolanmasayd\u0131. G\u00fcr\u00fcl g\u00fcr\u00fcl bo\u015fan\u0131rken i\u00e7imizdeki kin, \u00f6fke, nefret; acizli\u011fin demir parmakl\u0131klar\u0131 bileklerimizi kavramasayd\u0131. Bilenler susmasayd\u0131, g\u00f6renler konu\u015fsayd\u0131, duyanlar anlasayd\u0131… Ah insanlar, insanl\u0131ktan bu kadar kolay \u00e7\u0131kmasa vicdan denen de\u011fer bu kadar ucuza harcanmasayd\u0131.<\/p>\n
Ya\u015f\u0131tlar\u0131yla okul s\u0131ralar\u0131nda oturmas\u0131 gereken ben ve benim gibiler kald\u0131r\u0131m ta\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 isteyerek mi tercih ettik san\u0131yorsunuz? Hobi olsun diye mi k\u0131\u015f\u0131n ayaz\u0131nda di\u015flerimiz birbirine vura vura titriyoruz? Yaz\u0131n kavurucu s\u0131ca\u011f\u0131nda itilip kak\u0131lmak, k\u00fcfre, hakarete hatta \u00e7o\u011fu zaman \u015fiddete maruz kalmak pahas\u0131na ni\u00e7in yan\u0131yoruz san\u0131yorsunuz. G\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcz kara de\u011fil belki ama ya\u015famak ad\u0131na hayatta kalman\u0131n \u015fart\u0131d\u0131r diyerek karart\u0131l\u0131yoruz. B\u00f6ylece d\u0131\u015f g\u00fc\u00e7ler eliyle itilip, eylemleri kendi \u00f6zg\u00fcr irademizle ger\u00e7ekle\u015ftirmi\u015f pozu verilerek hem g\u00f6zlerimizi hem kalplerimizi karartm\u0131\u015f oluyoruz.<\/p>\n
Toplum dedi\u011finiz o \u00e7ok sayg\u0131de\u011fer olgunuz ve de d\u00fc\u015fman fikirlerle muhkemle\u015ftirilmi\u015f cehalet ordunuz, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden cay\u0131r cay\u0131r yanan alevlerin ortas\u0131na at\u0131p ka\u00e7mas\u0131 yetmezmi\u015f gibi i\u00e7inde bulundu\u011fumuz \u0131zt\u0131rar halini hesaba katmaks\u0131z\u0131n sorguya \u00e7ekiyor bizi s\u00fcrekli. Karar \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor sonra hakk\u0131m\u0131zda as\u0131ls\u0131z ve tan\u0131ms\u0131z bir celple orta yerinden kesilerek sekteye u\u011frat\u0131l\u0131yor, bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc ba\u015flamay\u0131 beceremedi\u011fimiz hayat\u0131m\u0131z. \u00d6yle ya daha \u00e7ocukken \u00e7ocuklu\u011fun mahremiyetinden \u00f6m\u00fcrl\u00fck h\u00fck\u00fcm giyiyoruz. G\u00fcnler ge\u00e7iyor, mevsimler de\u011fi\u015fiyor, boy boy yeni ku\u015faklar yeti\u015firken bizler dal\u0131m\u0131za vurulan baltan\u0131n ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 ve yaras\u0131n\u0131 adaletin kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda b\u00fck\u00fclen boynumuzda gereksiz bir i\u015ftahlata\u015f\u0131maya devam ediyoruz.<\/p>\n
Kar\u0131nca misali g\u00f6vdemden b\u00fcy\u00fck y\u00fckler biniyor, ya\u015fama tela\u015f\u0131 i\u00e7erisinde dik durmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan omuzlar\u0131ma. Zihnim hep ayn\u0131 tabloyu resmetmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan fakat renkleri bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc s\u0131raya koyamayan, bu y\u00fczden de istedi\u011fi tonu yakalayamayan bedbin bir ressam gibi kendini tekrarlayarak i\u015fliyor geceleri. Bazen yoldan gelip ge\u00e7en \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n berrak bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131na tak\u0131l\u0131yor akl\u0131m, kad\u0131nlar\u0131n \u015fuh g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015flerine, erkeklerin keskin b\u0131y\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131n alt\u0131ndan s\u00fcz\u00fclen yumu\u015fak \u00e7ehrelerine. \u00d6yle envai suretler g\u00f6r\u00fcyor, \u00f6yle de\u011fi\u015fik tabiatl\u0131 ve de kendisiyle daima ihtilafl\u0131 manzaralara tan\u0131kl\u0131k ediyorum ki al\u0131\u015fmaktan korkuyorum garipsedi\u011fim bu d\u00fczenin mutlak d\u00fczensizli\u011fine.<\/p>\n
Bir keresinde hi\u00e7 unutmam bardaktan bo\u015fan\u0131rcas\u0131na ya\u011fmur ya\u011f\u0131yordu, kuaf\u00f6rden yeni \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131 belli fakat asl\u0131nda kuaf\u00f6re ihtiya\u00e7 duymad\u0131\u011f\u0131 da ortada g\u00fczelli\u011fiyle bir gen\u00e7 k\u0131z yakla\u015ft\u0131 yan\u0131ma. \u00d6nce narin ayaklar\u0131n\u0131n \u0131srar\u0131na ald\u0131rmadan ge\u00e7ip gitmek istedi. Sonra nedendir bilmem durdu, sefalet akan, bak\u0131lmaya de\u011fmez surat\u0131m kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda hi\u00e7 g\u00f6rmedi\u011fim ama var oldu\u011funu duydu\u011fum, o cennetten ka\u00e7m\u0131\u015f g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemesiyle karanl\u0131kta kalan ruhuma \u0131\u015f\u0131klar serpti. G\u00fczelli\u011fin g\u00f6receli\u011finden ve derecesinden haberdar oldu\u011fum o g\u00fcn\u00fc insanl\u0131k ad\u0131na \u00fcmide kap\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131m sabah\u0131n bayram\u0131 sand\u0131m. Belki de \u00f6mr\u00fcmde ilk kez kalbimdeki k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck \u00e7i\u00e7eklerini kurutmak i\u00e7in yakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m ate\u015fin k\u00fclleri aras\u0131nda yundum, y\u0131kand\u0131m, \u0131sland\u0131m.<\/p>\n
Taht\u0131na veda etmeye yak\u0131n her sultan\u0131n var g\u00fcc\u00fcyle son hamlesine, \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc pahas\u0131na da olsa neden, ni\u00e7in inatla sar\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 onu g\u00f6zden kaybedince anlad\u0131m. Duda\u011f\u0131m\u0131n kenar\u0131nda kalan y\u0131rt\u0131k ve solgun tebess\u00fcm\u00fcm\u00fc toplay\u0131p ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 bir daha yerden kald\u0131rmamak, yar\u0131m akl\u0131mla yeni bir g\u00fcne\u015fin kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda tutulmamak ad\u0131na bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 topra\u011fa m\u0131hlad\u0131m. Bir daha Battal Gazi bile gelse s\u00f6k\u00fcp alamazd\u0131 bu g\u00fcl\u00fcn, en usta dikenleri g\u00f6lgede b\u0131rakacak h\u00fcviyette keskince ve \u015fa\u015f\u0131lacak derecede titizlikle kalbime i\u015flenen kirpiklerini.<\/p>\n
Zaten kendimi bildim bileli ad\u0131m ya\u015f\u0131ma, k\u0131yafetlerim \u00fcst\u00fcme hep b\u00fcy\u00fck gelirdi. Oturtamazd\u0131m mahalledeki \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n kahkahalar\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131lmay\u0131 unutmu\u015f a\u011fz\u0131ma. Yemek yerken bile olsa dudaklar\u0131m\u0131 oynatmak ac\u0131 verirdi. Susmak sanki kimli\u011fim olmu\u015f,\u00f6zenle her zerreme yerle\u015ftirilmi\u015fti. Dal\u0131p gitti\u011fim uzak sahillerin r\u0131ht\u0131m boylar\u0131nda y\u00fczerdi fikirlerim. Yine de a\u00e7\u0131\u011fa vurmaktan, dile getirmekten imtina eder; sulara akseden g\u00f6lgemi seyretmekten \u00e7ekinirdim. Zannederdim ki mevzu bahis hayat\u0131m dahi olsa konu\u015fmak yasak, hele kar\u015f\u0131 koymak, onunla ba\u015fa \u00e7\u0131kmak; d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncesi bile akl\u0131ma yerle\u015ftirilmi\u015f pimi \u00e7ekilmi\u015f bir tuzak.<\/p>\n
Ya\u015fanan t\u00fcm heng\u00e2meler, \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klar, korku filmlerini aratmayan gaddarl\u0131klar benden yuvam\u0131, ad\u0131m\u0131 ve en sonunda \u00e7ocuklu\u011fumu ald\u0131lar. \u015eimdi birileri mutlulu\u011fu bize anlat desesiyahtan ba\u015fka ton, g\u00f6zya\u015f\u0131ndan ba\u015fka m\u00fcrekkep tan\u0131mam, kullanamam. Kullar sevaplar\u0131n\u0131n ard\u0131na saklan\u0131p g\u00fcnahlar\u0131n\u0131 ink\u00e2ra u\u011fra\u015f\u0131rken ben neyin sevap neyin g\u00fcnah oldu\u011funu bile hat\u0131rlamam. G\u00fclmekten mahrum kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m gibi a\u011flamak, i\u00e7imi d\u00f6kmek eyleminden de mahrum ve uza\u011f\u0131m. G\u00f6r\u00fcyorsunuz ya \u015furada size kendimi anlatacak kadar yak\u0131n fakat anlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 kendim bile anlayamayacak kadar benli\u011fine yasaklanm\u0131\u015f bir yabanc\u0131y\u0131m. Kemik ya\u015f\u0131m yedi olsa da ac\u0131 ya\u015f\u0131m yetmi\u015f yedi. Yedi bitirdi de felek beni ona yine yetmedi. Bir daha konu\u015fmamacas\u0131na son kez susuyorum \u015fimdi. Sahi siz beni anl\u0131yorsunuz de\u011fil mi?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Yoksullu\u011fun, yoksunlu\u011fun ve bundan duyulan huzursuzlu\u011fun…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":125,"featured_media":9440,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9439"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/125"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9439"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9439\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9439"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9439"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9439"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}