D\u00fcn g\u00f6rd\u00fcm seni, pencerenin \u00f6n\u00fcnde. O kadar c\u00fcretk\u00e2r ve o kadar vurdumduymaz g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyordun ki… Gen\u00e7li\u011finin son demlerindeki kad\u0131n bedeninin i\u00e7indeki k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z \u00e7ocu\u011funu \u00f6telercesine, dizlerini k\u0131rm\u0131\u015f, s\u0131rt\u0131n\u0131 dikle\u015ftirmi\u015f d\u0131\u015far\u0131 bak\u0131yordun. Bacaklar\u0131n aral\u0131k… D\u00fcnyaya meydan okuyordun akl\u0131nca. O da arkandan seni izliyordu ne d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnece\u011fini bilemeden. V\u00fccuduna bak\u0131yor, elindeki bira \u015fi\u015fesini g\u00f6r\u00fcyor, ne hissetti\u011fini anlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu. \u0130\u015fte o zaman anlatmaya karar verdim sana bu hik\u00e2yeyi. B\u00fct\u00fcn bu g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fcn\u00fcn saklamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u015feyi kula\u011f\u0131na f\u0131s\u0131ldamaya, y\u00fcz\u00fcne vurmaya…<\/p>\n
\u0130nsanlar ezelden beri y\u00fcreklerine a\u011f\u0131r gelen dertlerini bana anlatt\u0131lar. Bazen \u00e7a\u011f\u0131l \u00e7a\u011f\u0131l akarken bir nehir halinde ald\u0131m g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcm s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131, bazen de bir kuyudayken dinledim s\u0131rlar\u0131n\u0131. Benimle payla\u015ft\u0131lar yalanlar\u0131n\u0131, h\u0131rslar\u0131n\u0131, sevdalar\u0131n\u0131… Hi\u00e7 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmediler bana bile a\u011f\u0131r gelebilece\u011fini baz\u0131 anlar\u0131n. Oysa d\u00fcnya yarat\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan beri var\u0131m ben, her yerdeyim.<\/p>\n
Denizdim ben, okyanus… Nice canlar besledim i\u00e7imde. Sonsuz yarat\u0131lm\u0131\u015fa can oldum. Ger\u00e7ek \u015fu ki insan\u0131n bile \u00f6z\u00fcnde olan ben’dim. Ya\u011fmur oldum kupkuru topraklar\u0131 besledim. Fark\u0131nda bile de\u011fildi insano\u011flu, ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m sevin\u00e7le yediklerine lezzet, bana anlat\u0131lan kederlerle a\u015flar\u0131na ac\u0131 oldum. Benden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 \u00c7ukurova\u2019n\u0131n yumu\u015fac\u0131k pamu\u011fu ve kutsal kitapta ad\u0131na yemin edilen o zeytinin ya\u011f\u0131.<\/p>\n
Her yerdeydim, her \u015feyde… \u0130nsano\u011flu fark\u0131na bile varmad\u0131. G\u00fczel anlar\u0131m oldu, \u00e7a\u011flad\u0131m \u00f6zg\u00fcrce devasa \u015felalelerden… K\u00f6t\u00fc anlar\u0131m oldu nice canlar nefessiz kald\u0131 i\u00e7imin sellerinden. Sevdalara \u015fahit olmu\u015flu\u011fum da var. Kerem da\u011flar\u0131 Asl\u0131 i\u00e7in deldi\u011finde vesilesi bendim. Kah\u0131rlara ha\u015frolmu\u015flu\u011fum vard\u0131r benim; k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck bedenler gasilhanelerde y\u0131kan\u0131rken ben onlarla temizlendim. D\u00fcnyan\u0131n bir ucunda, Ganj’da \u00f6l\u00fcleri yak\u0131p att\u0131lar koynuma. Di\u011fer ucunda buzullar\u0131n i\u00e7inde yeni do\u011fmu\u015f bebekleri g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc k\u0131ld\u0131m, onlar\u0131 hayata \u00e7iviledim. Can vermek de almak da Allah’a mahsus ama benim kadar \u015fahit olan var m\u0131d\u0131r bu ibdaya?<\/p>\n
Ses etmedim izledim d\u00fcne kadar; sessizce, senelerce… D\u00fcnk\u00fc y\u00fck\u00fcm de a\u011f\u0131r geldi her zerreme. Bir adam g\u00f6rd\u00fcm; y\u00fcre\u011fi c\u00fcssesinden b\u00fcy\u00fck. Ak\u0131p gidecektim \u00e7\u0131plak bedeninden oyalanmadan, durdurdu yan\u0131ndaki kad\u0131n beni. Beni durdurdu yani zaman\u0131, d\u00fcnyay\u0131, nefesini durdurdu. Kalakald\u0131m adam\u0131n bedeninde. Ak\u0131yordum g\u00fcr\u00fcl g\u00fcr\u00fcl asl\u0131nda zerre yol gidemeden. Dokundum \u00f6nce adam\u0131n k\u0131rla\u015fmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015f sa\u00e7lar\u0131na. G\u00f6zleri benimle doldu, y\u00fcre\u011fi geldi g\u00f6zlerine, sonra sevdas\u0131 geldi oturdu. K\u0131zard\u0131 g\u00f6zleri, yand\u0131 g\u00f6zbebekleri, yand\u0131 t\u00fcm d\u00fcnya o bak\u0131\u015flarda. Tuzlu g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131 akamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m yolda bana yolda\u015f oldu. Dile geldi g\u00f6zleri a\u011flad\u0131, ba\u011f\u0131rd\u0131, yalvard\u0131, k\u0131zd\u0131, \u00e7a\u011flad\u0131 has\u0131l\u0131kelam beni de yakt\u0131.<\/p>\n
Su yanar m\u0131, o adam\u0131n bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131nda yand\u0131. Dokundum sonra y\u00fcz\u00fcne, sakallar\u0131na… \u0130ndim b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00f6vdesine. Kad\u0131n\u0131n hi\u00e7 bo\u015fluk b\u0131rakmamacas\u0131na sarmalad\u0131\u011f\u0131 her santimine. Kavga ediyordu kad\u0131n\u0131n sevdas\u0131 benimle. Tek zerre yer b\u0131rakmamak i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131n\u0131yor, v\u00fccudunun heryeriyle adama siper oluyordu araya beni bile almadan.<\/p>\n
Ar\u0131tmakt\u0131 vazifem, yarat\u0131l\u0131\u015f amac\u0131m. \u0130lk defa yapamad\u0131m. Kad\u0131n ve adam\u0131n v\u00fccutlar\u0131 bir oldu, sadece akabildim \u00fcstlerinden ama ar\u0131tamad\u0131m. Kad\u0131n\u0131n atan y\u00fcre\u011fi adam\u0131n her noktas\u0131n\u0131 zaten bana b\u0131rakmadan tertemiz yap\u0131yordu. Onlar\u0131 seyredebildim sadece. D\u00fcnyadaki b\u00fct\u00fcn inan\u0131\u015flarda benimle ar\u0131nm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 oysa insanlar. Vaftiz ederdim yeni do\u011fanlar\u0131, temizlerdim abdest alanlar\u0131. \u0130lk defa sadece \u015fahit oldum iki bedenin, iki y\u00fcre\u011fin benim yan\u0131mda sevdas\u0131yla bir oldu\u011funa, hi\u00e7bir suyun ar\u0131tamayaca\u011f\u0131 kadar ar\u0131nd\u0131klar\u0131na.<\/p>\n
Bu bedenler, diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm, g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm her beden gibi s\u0131radanlar, \u015fu an birler belki sarma\u015f dola\u015flar fakat seneler sonra yok olacaklar. Kimse bilmeyecek bile ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131. Ama ben ilk defa ruhlar\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm; bir oldular, b\u00fct\u00fcn oldular, yand\u0131lar, kavruldular, birbirlerinin bedeninde yeniden do\u011fdular. Bir daha asla eski \u015feklini alamayacak kadar tek oldular. Biter diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum gitmeden \u00f6nce. Daha da \u00f6tesi olan bir ha\u015fr bu d\u00fcnyada var m\u0131d\u0131r acep? Burada bu yarat\u0131l\u0131\u015f biter, dedim. Cennette ba\u015flayan \u00c2dem ile Havva, d\u00fcnyada bunu bulmak i\u00e7in g\u00f6nderilmedi mi? Art\u0131k insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n s\u0131nav\u0131 biter, d\u00fcnyadaki ser\u00fcven sona erer, dedim.<\/p>\n
\u0130\u015fte bu a\u011f\u0131r geldi ya bana cesur kad\u0131n. Bitmedi. D\u00fcnya devam etti, hayat devam etti. B\u00fct\u00fcn s\u0131navlar, dertler, tasalar, hayat gaileleri devam etti. Hi\u00e7bir \u015feyin sonu gelmedi. Bu kadar ar\u0131nm\u0131\u015f sevdayla kar\u0131lm\u0131\u015f yekv\u00fccut olmu\u015f sevdal\u0131lar, bu her \u015feyin i\u00e7ine at\u0131ld\u0131 tekrar. \u00c2dem ile Havva bir kez daha cennetten kovuldu d\u00fcnyaya. \u015eimdi ben tekrar akabilmek i\u00e7in f\u0131s\u0131ld\u0131yorum bunlar\u0131 kula\u011f\u0131na. Ben art\u0131k kurtuldum \u015fahit oldu\u011fum ate\u015ften, yanmaktan kurtuldum. Hadi sende tekrar meydan okusana hayata, d\u00fcnyaya… Hadi yapabiliyorsan nefes alsana bir daha!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
D\u00fcn g\u00f6rd\u00fcm seni, pencerenin \u00f6n\u00fcnde. O…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":193,"featured_media":9431,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9430"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/193"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9430"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9430\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9430"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9430"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9430"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}