G\u00fcn bitmeden gelen geceye inat, bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc vakit ilerlemiyor. Ah! Bir inse \u015fu panjurlar, kapansa \u0131\u015f\u0131klar, sesleri sussa t\u00fcm d\u00fcnyal\u0131klar\u0131n… Karanl\u0131k \u00e7\u00f6kse odaya, i\u00e7imdeki karanl\u0131\u011fa yolda\u015f olsa… Ve ben ona kavu\u015fsam. \u00a0T\u00fcm g\u00fcn ka\u00e7 kez \u00e7ocuk \u015fark\u0131lar\u0131 s\u00f6ylendi, evin duvarlar\u0131nda ka\u00e7 kez \u00e7arp\u0131p ka\u00e7t\u0131 ba\u011fr\u0131\u015fmalar. Nihayet ak\u015fam yeme\u011fi yenildi, panjurlar da indi.<\/p>\n
\u2018\u2018Haydi bakal\u0131m! Yatma saati\u2026\u2019\u2019 dendi\u011fine g\u00f6re, yakla\u015ft\u0131 kavu\u015fma vakti. Heyecan\u0131mdan i\u00e7im i\u00e7ime s\u0131\u011fm\u0131yor. Birazdan \u0131\u015f\u0131klar s\u00f6necek ve ben h\u00fczn\u00fcne meftun oldu\u011fum tek bir gamzenin sahibesi ile kavu\u015faca\u011f\u0131m. Bir perdenin ard\u0131ndan g\u00f6r\u00fcp vuruldu\u011fum dilber ile bulu\u015faca\u011f\u0131m. Bilmedi\u011fim bir\u00e7ok \u00f6zelli\u011fine ra\u011fmen onun hakk\u0131nda o kadar \u00e7ok \u015fey biliyorum ki… Mesela bu zamana kadar bir gece lambas\u0131ndan yans\u0131yan \u0131\u015f\u0131kla y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn hep tek bir yan\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Di\u011fer yar\u0131s\u0131ndan mahrumum. A\u011flarken g\u00f6z\u00fcnden akan ya\u015flar\u0131n ba\u015fka yer kalmam\u0131\u015f gibi tutup da o minicik gamzesine dolu\u015fmas\u0131na \u015fahit oldum. Peki, kahve i\u00e7erken fincan\u0131 tutan elinin istemsizce ser\u00e7e parma\u011f\u0131n\u0131 kald\u0131rmas\u0131na ne demeli?<\/p>\n
\u00c7ocuklar yat\u0131p el ayak \u00e7ekildi\u011finde, benim de ona olan vuslat\u0131m yakla\u015f\u0131yor. Nihayet oda karanl\u0131\u011fa kavu\u015ftu. A\u011f\u0131r ad\u0131mlarla gelip, a\u00e7\u0131verdi lo\u015f \u0131\u015f\u0131kl\u0131 abajuru. Usulca oturdu \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n yamac\u0131na, sakince \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131yor en sevdi\u011fi \u0130nci k\u00fcpelerini… Bahse girerim masan\u0131n \u00fczerine koyaca\u011f\u0131na. Ama o da ne! Ters giden bir \u015feyler sanki. K\u00fcpelerini h\u0131rkan\u0131n cebine koymak da ne oluyor \u015fimdi? Ne olurdu az\u0131c\u0131k g\u00fclsen de doyuversem g\u00fcl y\u00fcz\u00fcne. \u00a0Ah! Yok mu o tek bir gamze\u2026<\/p>\n
Her halinden belli ki dinlenmeye ge\u00e7ti. En sevdi\u011fi sade T\u00fcrk kahvesini de kocas\u0131 getirdi. Hep yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi masan\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne fincan\u0131n\u0131 koyacak ve: \u2018\u2018\u015e\u00f6yle az\u0131c\u0131k dursun da, biraz s\u0131ca\u011f\u0131 u\u00e7sun. Te\u015fekk\u00fcr ederim\u2019\u2019 diyecek. Eline yine u\u011fra\u015faca\u011f\u0131 bir \u015feyler ald\u0131. Ya hu kad\u0131n hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yapmadan duramaz m\u0131s\u0131n? H\u00e2lbuki bug\u00fcn kitap da okumad\u0131n ya da ben bir perdenin ard\u0131ndan buna \u015fahit olamad\u0131m. Yoksa can\u0131n m\u0131 s\u0131kk\u0131n? Kitap bile i\u00e7indeki kederi gideremedi mi?<\/p>\n
Bu arada, uzan\u0131p fincan\u0131 eline ald\u0131. Di\u011fer eliyle de biraz \u015fakaklar\u0131n\u0131 ovalad\u0131. Belli ki ba\u015f\u0131 a\u011fr\u0131yor, zira durum onu g\u00f6steriyor. Ama yok, bir eliyle fincan\u0131 tutarken di\u011fer eliyle de y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn \u00f6teki taraf\u0131ndan akan g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 siliyor. Bu i\u00e7 \u00e7eki\u015fler, bu a\u011flamalar… Ke\u015fke dilini konu\u015fabilseydim de a\u011flama diyebilseydim. \u00a0Masada duran, en sevdi\u011fi kalemini ald\u0131. Hemen kalemin yan\u0131nda duran, \u00fczerinde ye\u015fil yapraklar\u0131n ve tropikal iklim ku\u015fu resminin oldu\u011fu yaz\u0131 defterini a\u00e7t\u0131. I\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n geldi\u011fi y\u00f6ne biraz daha d\u00f6n\u00fcp k\u00e2\u011f\u0131d\u0131 kalemle kavu\u015fturdu. Nas\u0131l da usul usul yaz\u0131yor nas\u0131l da nazl\u0131 nazl\u0131… Ba\u015f\u0131 e\u011fildi\u011finde y\u00fcz\u00fcne d\u00f6k\u00fclen sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 iki parma\u011f\u0131n\u0131n aras\u0131na al\u0131p arkaya att\u0131. Yana\u011f\u0131n\u0131n birazc\u0131k alt taraf\u0131nda \u00e7\u0131kan ama bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc yok olmayan o yaray\u0131 yeniden kanatt\u0131. Bug\u00fcn can\u0131 s\u0131k\u0131lm\u0131\u015f besbelli yoksa o yaray\u0131 kanatmazd\u0131. Bir kerede kahvesini i\u00e7iverdi. \u0130kincisini de istedi. Yo yo\u2026 Bug\u00fcn k\u00f6t\u00fc ge\u00e7mi\u015f besbelli. Sessizce bekleyeyim, elbet anlat\u0131r, az sabredeyim. E\u015fi de kahveyi getirdi\u011fine g\u00f6re \u015fimdi ba\u015flar s\u00f6ze.<\/p>\n
– Bug\u00fcn ne oldu biliyor musun?<\/p>\n
+ Ne oldu\u011funu bilmiyorum ama seni hayli \u00fczm\u00fc\u015f. Anlat bakal\u0131m, dinliyorum.<\/p>\n
– \u00c7ok uzun zamand\u0131r okumakta zorland\u0131\u011f\u0131m kitab\u0131 bug\u00fcn bitirdim. \u00dc\u00e7 ya da d\u00f6rt kez ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m ancak \u00fcz\u00fcnt\u00fc ve kederden devam\u0131n\u0131 getiremedi\u011fim. Bug\u00fcn zorlad\u0131m kendimi ve nihayet sonuna gelebildim. H\u00fcz\u00fcnle okudum, kederle doldum. Kitap bitti ama bir de bana sor. A\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in k\u00fct\u00fcphanedeki t\u00fcm g\u00f6zler \u00fczerimdeydi. Bak\u0131p \u00fcz\u00fclen insanlar, benim i\u00e7in kim bilir ne derdi vard\u0131 diyorlar.<\/p>\n
Daha s\u0131ca\u011f\u0131 bile \u00e7\u0131kmam\u0131\u015f yeni gelen kahvesinden bir yudum al\u0131p duraksad\u0131. H\u0131zla yerinden kalkt\u0131, odadan \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 elinde bir kitapla geri d\u00f6nd\u00fc. Yerine yeniden oturup, kitapta i\u015faretledi\u011fi yeri a\u00e7t\u0131. Titreyen sesiyle kocas\u0131na okumaya ba\u015flad\u0131:<\/p>\n
– \u015e\u00f6yle diyor Kafka, 15 Haziran 1920\u2019de Milena\u2019 ya yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131 mektupta:<\/p>\n
\u2018\u2018Bu arada, bir zamanlar birisinin evinde okudu\u011fun bir \u015fey geldi akl\u0131ma sevgilim: D\u00fcnya, \u00fczerinden ge\u00e7en ate\u015fli bir s\u00fctundur, beni \u015fimdi sarmal\u0131yor ama sard\u0131klar\u0131na de\u011fil kendisini g\u00f6renlere rehberlik eder.<\/p>\n
Senin<\/p>\n
(Art\u0131k ad\u0131m\u0131 da yitiriyorum zaman k\u0131sald\u0131k\u00e7a k\u0131sald\u0131 ve \u015fimdi Senin)\u201d<\/p>\n
Tek bir s\u00f6z eklemeden kahveyi bir kerede i\u00e7iverdi. G\u00f6zlerinden akan ya\u015flar ta\u015ft\u0131 yine gamzesinden. Elinde tuttu\u011fu \u201cMilena\u2019 ya Mektuplar\u201d kitab\u0131n\u0131, bitirdi\u011fi kahve fincan\u0131n\u0131n yan\u0131na b\u0131rakt\u0131. Kocas\u0131, bu b\u00fcy\u00fcl\u00fc atmosferi bozmak istemedi\u011fi i\u00e7in, \u00e7\u0131t \u00e7\u0131karmadan sessizce bekledi. Kendisi de g\u00f6z\u00fcndeki ya\u015f\u0131 silip kocas\u0131na d\u00f6nd\u00fc ve yeniden konu\u015fmaya ba\u015flad\u0131:<\/p>\n
– Kat\u0131ks\u0131z bir sevgi, su kat\u0131lmam\u0131\u015f bir a\u015fk\u2026 Devam\u0131n\u0131 nas\u0131l istersen \u00f6yle tamamla.
\n\u00d6ylesine gizli, \u00f6ylesine iki ki\u015fi i\u00e7in ki, t\u00fcm \u015fu k\u00e2\u011f\u0131t par\u00e7alar\u0131na kinlenmek i\u015ften bile de\u011fil.
\nAhmed Arif’in, Leyla Erbil kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda \u201cAhmedcik\u201d oluveri\u015fi akl\u0131ma geliyor. Hani \u015fu \u00e7ok me\u015fhur olan \u015fiirinde acziyetini anlat\u0131yor ya:<\/p>\n
“Yank\u0131n yasak, aynalara…\u00a0\u00a0 \u0130nemem bah\u00e7ende talan\u2026”<\/p>\n
\u0130nsan\u0131n, sevda kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda, b\u00f6ylesine \u00e7aresiz kal\u0131\u015f\u0131, a\u015fk\u0131n keskin k\u0131l\u0131c\u0131yla nice ba\u015flar\u0131 gen\u00e7 ya\u015fta ya\u015famdan al\u0131veri\u015fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Akl\u0131n idraki terk edi\u015fi ve bedenin ate\u015fe teslim olu\u015funu an\u0131ms\u0131yorum. Ah \u015fu mektuplar yok mu, ac\u0131 i\u00e7inde okuyor, bir gize \u015fahit oldu\u011fum i\u00e7in de bir o kadar kahroluyorum. Bunca mahrem neden kitap diye bas\u0131lm\u0131\u015f ki diyorum kendi kendime. Neden t\u00fcm a\u015fklar fa\u015f edilmi\u015f g\u00fcn\u00fcm\u00fczde.
\nVe ben \u015fimdi adresinde yoklu\u011funu k\u0131yamet bilip, t\u00fcm o \u00e2\u015f\u0131klar i\u00e7in en sevdi\u011fim soneyi bir kez de \u201cSenin\u201d i\u00e7in okuyorum F…:<\/p>\n
\u2018\u2018Ben de zaman denen zorban\u0131n korkusuyla,
\nEn \u00e7ok simdi, seviyorum seni diyemez miyim?
\n\u015fk\u0131mdan ku\u015fku duymad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, en emin oldu\u011fumda,
\nGelece\u011fi unutup, o g\u00fcne ta\u00e7 giydiremez miyim?
\nA\u015fk bir bebek oldu\u011funa g\u00f6re, hay\u0131r, bunu diyemem,
\nB\u00fcy\u00fcmesini s\u00fcrd\u00fcren \u015feyi, b\u00fcy\u00fcm\u00fc\u015f gibi g\u00f6remem.\u2019\u2019<\/p>\n
(Shakespeare\/\/ 115. Sone)<\/p>\n
Ba\u015fka da bir \u015fey konu\u015fmadan, elini yava\u015f\u00e7a bana uzat\u0131p abajurdan uzanan ipimi bir kere de \u00e7ekip \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 kapatt\u0131. Gece bizim i\u00e7in biterken, ona olan t\u00fcm ba\u011fl\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131m, bir ipin ucunda ya\u015famla \u00f6l\u00fcm aras\u0131ndaki bir a\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n hayatta kalabilmeyi umut etmesiyle sonland\u0131.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
G\u00fcn bitmeden gelen geceye inat, bir…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":9409,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9408"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9408"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9408\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9408"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9408"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9408"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}