\u0130\u00e7inde ciltler dolusu kitap yazmaya yetecek kadar c\u00fcmle mevcutken elinde kalem \u00f6ylece kalakalmakm\u0131\u015f \u00f6zlem. Aray\u0131\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 yan\u0131tlayamamak, hayk\u0131r\u0131\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 duyuramamak, tek s\u00f6z\u00fcne muhta\u00e7ken bir tu\u015fa basamamak, nas\u0131ls\u0131n diye soramamakm\u0131\u015f. Her gece onu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnerek uykuya dald\u0131\u011f\u0131n halde r\u00fcyanda g\u00f6rememekmi\u015f. Bir zamanlar \u00e7\u0131ld\u0131ras\u0131ya hesap sorarken \u015fimdi merhaba dahi diyememek, ihtiya\u00e7 duydu\u011funda yan\u0131na gidememekmi\u015f.<\/p>\n
En zoru da unutmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmak, bunun imk\u00e2ns\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bile bile kendini zorlamak, bo\u015f yere \u00e7abalamakm\u0131\u015f. Yedi\u011fin yemekte, i\u00e7ti\u011fin suda, \u00f6pt\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn \u00e7ocukta, yasland\u0131\u011f\u0131n omuzda, g\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn \u015fakada, att\u0131\u011f\u0131n ad\u0131mda k\u0131saca hayat\u0131n\u0131n her an\u0131nda o varken onu yok saymak, g\u00f6rmezden, duymazdan, bilmezden gelme hususunda diretmekmi\u015f \u00f6zlem. Onca k\u0131rg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131n, k\u0131zg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131n, g\u00f6zya\u015f\u0131n\u0131n, \u00e7ekilen s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne bir g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcne, tatl\u0131 s\u00f6z\u00fcne hasret kalmakm\u0131\u015f. \u00d6zlemek e\u015fittir sevdaym\u0131\u015f. A\u00e7\u0131lmadan kanamak, d\u00fc\u015fmeden ac\u0131makm\u0131\u015f. Korkmakm\u0131\u015f ad\u0131n gibi bildi\u011fini zannetti\u011fin suretten. Ka\u00e7makm\u0131\u015f bir zamanlar ko\u015fa ko\u015fa gidip, sevin\u00e7le kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n evden.<\/p>\n
Ellerin ba\u011fr\u0131nda \u00e7aresiz kalmakm\u0131\u015f. Yanaklar\u0131ndan s\u00fcz\u00fclen ya\u015f\u0131n duda\u011f\u0131nda b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131 tuzu \u00f6p\u00fcp ba\u015f\u0131na koymakm\u0131\u015f. Nimet bilmekmi\u015f dokunu\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n can\u0131nda uyand\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 s\u0131z\u0131y\u0131. Yar\u0131m b\u0131rakmakm\u0131\u015f onu g\u00f6mmek i\u00e7in kalbinde ba\u015flatt\u0131\u011f\u0131n maktul\u00fc belli o derin kaz\u0131y\u0131. Yakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n yang\u0131na ko\u015fmakm\u0131\u015f bir seher vakti dilinde dualarla. S\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn yerden tutu\u015fmakm\u0131\u015f d\u00fc\u00e7ar olmak u\u011fruna yine ayn\u0131 belaya. Unutmakm\u0131\u015f ezbere bildi\u011fin sesin sahibini hat\u0131rlayamamak u\u011fruna kendini. Kurutmakm\u0131\u015f bin dereden su getirerek b\u00fcy\u00fctt\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn nehri, s\u0131rf bir daha ya\u015famamak ad\u0131na ayn\u0131 hissi.<\/p>\n
\u00dcst\u00fcne sinen kokusu kaybolmas\u0131n diye y\u0131kamaktan vazge\u00e7mekmi\u015f giydi\u011fini. Senden ba\u015fkas\u0131 g\u00f6rmesin, bilmesin diye s\u0131r gibi gizlemekmi\u015f sana onu an\u0131msatan her izi.\u00a0 Bazen \u00f6fkenin o sert duvarlar\u0131na \u00e7arparak maziyi yeniden hat\u0131rlamak ve kar\u015f\u0131 koymak; bazen de kuruttu\u011fun \u00e7i\u00e7e\u011fin yapraklar\u0131 aras\u0131nda ona yeniden teslim olmakm\u0131\u015f \u00f6zlem.<\/p>\n
Bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n g\u00f6zlerde onun bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131ndaki s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131 aramak sonra pi\u015fman olmak, tuttu\u011fun ellerde buldu\u011fun g\u00fcvenin ona ait oldu\u011funu sanmak ve yan\u0131lmakm\u0131\u015f. Onsuz ya\u015fayamam art\u0131k derken ilk f\u0131rsatta kendini onun mahallesindeki soka\u011fa atmakm\u0131\u015f. Sessiz ve yar\u0131m h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131r\u0131klarla sars\u0131lmak, g\u00fc\u00e7s\u00fcz ve \u00e7aresiz ad\u0131mlarla yeniden uzakla\u015fmakm\u0131\u015f.<\/p>\n
Gide gide vard\u0131\u011f\u0131n yolun sonunda sol yan\u0131n\u0131 bir b\u0131\u00e7ak gibi ortadan ikiye kesen, tan\u0131kl\u0131k etti\u011fin o hayal k\u0131r\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n da \u00f6tesindeki manzara var ya art\u0131k s\u0131\u011fm\u0131yor inan ki s\u00f6zl\u00fckteki hi\u00e7bir tan\u0131ma. S\u0131\u011f\u0131nd\u0131\u011f\u0131m uzletin sal\u0131nca\u011f\u0131ndan d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm g\u00fcnden beri kovamaz oldum etraf\u0131m\u0131 saran melek \u00e7ehreli iblisleri. Kan\u0131m, can\u0131mdan bezdi\u011fim noktada dolmaya ba\u015fl\u0131yor damarlar\u0131ma; ruhum ilikleri donduran bir ayr\u0131l\u0131ktan geriye kalan an\u0131lar\u0131 ya\u011fmalama \u00e7abas\u0131nda.<\/p>\n
Okudu\u011fum kitaplarda yazm\u0131yor ki \u00f6\u011freneyim ne illet bir derttir \u00f6zlemek. Re\u00e7eteler de ge\u00e7miyor ki ba\u015fa \u00e7\u0131kma y\u00f6ntemini \u00f6\u011freneyim g\u00fcnde ka\u00e7 \u00f6\u011f\u00fcnd\u00fcr, ka\u00e7 \u00f6l\u00e7ek. Kelimeler; k\u00e2\u011f\u0131d\u0131 yorgan, yast\u0131k belleyen ac\u0131n\u0131n ritmiyle ninni havas\u0131nda uyuyan ve b\u00fcy\u00fcyen birer bebek. Muska misali akl\u0131ma tak\u0131lan reng\u00e2renk kelebekler de nihayetinde t\u0131rt\u0131l demek.<\/p>\n
Velhas\u0131l i\u00e7inde yakutlar biriktiren Yakup’a \u015fifad\u0131r \u00f6zlemek. Zira bir mil gibi g\u00f6zlerine \u00e7ekilen her ilmek Yusuf’tan gelecek g\u00f6mle\u011fin habercisi demek. Bilinir ki yang\u0131n yerine de d\u00f6nse y\u00fcrek, en k\u0131zg\u0131n ate\u015fler \u0130brahim’e serinliktir. Ve as\u0131l mesele hakikate ermeni engellemek i\u00e7in her f\u0131rsatta kar\u015f\u0131na dikilen o cismani heykelleri a\u015fkla biledi\u011fin baltayla devirmektir. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00f6zlemek her \u015feyden \u00f6nce direnmek demektir.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u0130\u00e7inde ciltler dolusu kitap yazmaya yetecek…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":125,"featured_media":9402,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9401"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/125"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9401"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9401\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9401"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9401"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9401"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}