Uzun zamandan beri, ilk defa ayna kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na oturmu\u015ftu ya\u015fl\u0131 kad\u0131n. Ve g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc manzara kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda, \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131k atmamak i\u00e7in kendini zor tutuyordu. Eskiyi an\u0131msad\u0131. \u00c7ocuklu\u011funu, gen\u00e7li\u011fini, \u00a0anne olu\u015funu\u2026
\nSonra, \u201cHayata D\u00f6n!\u2019\u2019 dedi, kendi kendine. \u201cHayata D\u00f6n! Sen, bu de\u011filsin! Olamazs\u0131n! Ol-ma-ma-l\u0131-s\u0131n!\u201d Uzun bir sessizlik ya\u015fand\u0131, o g\u00fcn o eski evde. Ge\u00e7mi\u015f kadar uzun, belki de gelecek kadar k\u0131sa\u2026
\nBirden kad\u0131n, bu sessizli\u011fin nedenini yeniden hat\u0131rlad\u0131 ve kendi ile konu\u015fmas\u0131na kald\u0131\u011f\u0131 yerden devam etti, sessiz ve usulca\u2026<\/p>\n
Ge\u00e7mi\u015f g\u00f6zlerinizde bir renk, kulaklar\u0131n\u0131zda bir ses ve g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcn\u00fczde bir nefes olarak kal\u0131r. Ve siz, an be an elinizden kay\u0131p gidi\u015fini izlersiniz istemsizce. \u2018Ya\u015fland\u0131k\u00e7a b\u00f6yle mi olur? Yoksa hep b\u00f6yle midir?\u2019 Bilmiyordu kad\u0131n. Ama hep \u00f6zlem doluydu. \u00d6zlem\u2026 Ge\u00e7mi\u015fe, \u00e7ocuklu\u011funa, gen\u00e7li\u011fine, sahip olduklar\u0131na, olamad\u0131klar\u0131na, elinden kay\u0131p giden d\u00fc\u015flerine\u2026<\/p>\n
Aynadaki ya\u015fl\u0131 kad\u0131n, o g\u00fcn, yani yeni gelen y\u0131l\u0131n ilk \u00e7ar\u015fambas\u0131: \u201cY\u00fczle\u015fme Aynas\u0131\u201d dedi\u011fi, \u00e7eyizinden kalan son hat\u0131ra aynan\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na ge\u00e7er, saatlerce k\u00e2h a\u011flar, k\u00e2h g\u00fcler, bazen de \u00f6fke n\u00f6betleri ge\u00e7irir ve \u015f\u00f6yle derdi : \u201cEskiden, hayat bana g\u00fcl\u00fcmserdi! Beni sever, kucaklard\u0131. \u015eimdi ise, toprak bana g\u00f6z k\u0131rp\u0131yor!\u2019\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018\u2018Ya\u015fland\u0131k\u00e7a, gidiyorum ben. Evimden, \u015fehrimden, en \u00e7ok da kendimden! Siz hi\u00e7 gittiniz mi? Ya da gitmek istediniz mi? Evinizden, \u015fehrinizden, \u00e7ok\u00e7a da kendinizden\u2026 Size ait ne varsa, ba\u015fkalar\u0131na, yabanc\u0131lara emanet etmek istediniz mi? Ben istedim. Ya\u015f alana kadar, ya\u015flanana kadar, hep istedim!\u2019\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018\u2018Gitmek i\u00e7in bir sebebiniz olmal\u0131. Yeni bir hayat, yeni bir ba\u015flang\u0131\u00e7, farkl\u0131 aray\u0131\u015flar, heyecanlar, d\u00fcnyay\u0131 ke\u015ffetme iste\u011fi, kalbinizi \u00e7arpt\u0131racak, size hayatta oldu\u011funuzu hissetmenizi sa\u011flayacak neden ya da nedenler olmal\u0131.<\/p>\n
U\u011fruna sava\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z \u015feyler son bulmuyorsa, sevilmedi\u011finizi hissediyorsan\u0131z, \u00e7evrenizdekiler sizi anlam\u0131yorsa, ba\u015far\u0131n\u0131z g\u00f6z ard\u0131 ediliyorsa, g\u00fcvendi\u011finiz da\u011flara karlar ya\u011f\u0131yorsa, hayat m\u00fccadelenizde \u00f6n\u00fcn\u00fcze hep engeller \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yorsa, ya da de\u011fer verdi\u011finiz insanlardan \u00e7ok de\u011fil, ayn\u0131 de\u011ferin onda birini bile g\u00f6remiyorsan\u0131z, aynada ki g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemenize inat, g\u00f6zlerinizdeki h\u00fcz\u00fcn o g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemenizi alt ediyorsa, kalabal\u0131k bir ortamdayken bile yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 iliklerinizde hissediyorsan\u0131z, her \u015feye ra\u011fmen mutlu olmak i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131nadururken, i\u00e7inizi bir \u015feyler \u00fcz\u00fcyorsa; gitmelisiniz.<\/p>\n
Hem de arkan\u0131za bile bakmadan… \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir an gelir ki o sahte g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015fleriniz, beklenmedik bir anda \u00e7\u0131\u011f b\u00fcy\u00fckl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde bir a\u011flay\u0131\u015f ve \u00f6fke n\u00f6beti ile yer de\u011fi\u015ftirir.\u201d<\/p>\n
Y\u00fczle\u015fme Aynas\u0131n\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131ndaki ya\u015fl\u0131 kad\u0131n, yine her y\u0131l oldu\u011fu gibi gitmek istiyordu kendinden. Gitmek, ka\u00e7mak, kurtulmak, unutmak, g\u00f6rmemek, bilmemek, hissetmemek!..<\/p>\n
\u00d6nce elleriyle ak d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015f sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 ok\u015fad\u0131, sonra tel tel onlar\u0131 yolmak istedi. Aln\u0131ndaki \u00e7izgilerin \u00fczerinde gezindi bir an, sonra g\u00f6z \u00e7evresindeki kaz ayaklar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fc. \u201cSahi,\u00a0 bunlar ilk ne zaman yerle\u015fmi\u015fti g\u00f6zlerime?\u201d dedi. Sonra g\u00f6zleri boynuna tak\u0131ld\u0131. Bir an g\u00f6z p\u0131narlar\u0131na yerle\u015fen ve akmak i\u00e7in onu zorlayan ya\u015flar\u0131 yok sayarak, ya\u015fl\u0131 boynu i\u00e7in: \u201cYol haritas\u0131 gibi olmu\u015f, k\u0131vr\u0131m k\u0131vr\u0131m\u201d dedi, h\u0131rs\u0131n\u0131 boynundan almak istercesine. Ellerine s\u0131ra geldi. \u201cNeydi \u00fczerlerindeki o kahverengilikler? Ya\u015fl\u0131 bir kad\u0131n\u0131n elleri miydi bunlar, yoksa yavrular\u0131na pasta yaparken, \u00e7ikolata sosu bula\u015fm\u0131\u015f, beceriksiz eller mi?\u201d H\u0131zla ge\u00e7ti ellerini kad\u0131n. G\u00f6rmek ya da bildi\u011fini unutmak ister gibi bir hali vard\u0131 sanki.\u00a0 G\u00f6zleri, bacaklar\u0131na kayd\u0131 istemsizce. Art\u0131k onlar\u0131 g\u00f6rmek, hissetmek, y\u0131llar\u0131 hat\u0131rlamak kadar zordu! Eskisi gibi, bedenini rahat\u00e7a ta\u015f\u0131yam\u0131yorlard\u0131 ki! \u201cOysa eskiden, \u00e7ok eskiden\u2026\u201d dedi ve sustu ans\u0131z\u0131n. Sesi, ona yabanc\u0131la\u015fm\u0131\u015f ve bir ba\u015fkas\u0131na aitmi\u015f gibi \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yordu art\u0131k.<\/p>\n
O muhte\u015fem bacaklar; \u00e7ocuklu\u011funda bo\u011fum bo\u011fum, gen\u00e7li\u011finde kusursuz, \u015fimdi ise g\u00f6revini zar zor yerine getiren, iskeletten hallice de\u011filler miydi?<\/p>\n
\u201cNe ara, bu kadar kayboldum ben?\u201d dedi, ya\u015fl\u0131 kad\u0131n. \u201c\u00d6vg\u00fcler, alk\u0131\u015flar, aferinler, ne ara bitti?\u201d
\n\u201cYemek s\u00fcperdi anne, eline sa\u011fl\u0131k!\u201d
\n\u201cSen, benim di\u011fer yar\u0131ms\u0131n. Seni seviyorum.\u201d
\n\u201cSa\u00e7lar\u0131n \u00e7ok g\u00fczel olmu\u015f arkada\u015f\u0131m, hep b\u00f6yle yap!\u201d
\n\u201cG\u00fclen y\u00fcz\u00fcn hi\u00e7 solmas\u0131n k\u0131z\u0131m, hep b\u00f6yle kal!\u201d
\n\u201cAnneanne, bez bebe\u011fimi sen mi yapt\u0131n? \u00c7ok sevdim.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u015eimdi ise ya\u015fl\u0131 kad\u0131n\u0131n kulaklar\u0131nda \u00e7\u0131nlayan tek ses; yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n sesi, ruhunu saran korku ise \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn yakla\u015fan ayak sesleri idi. O her y\u0131l; kendinden giderek, her \u015feyin bitti\u011fini ve t\u00fcm ya\u015fanm\u0131\u015fl\u0131klar\u0131 unuttu\u011funu sand\u0131. Ama \u201cY\u00fczle\u015fme Aynas\u0131nda\u201d g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc ya\u015fl\u0131 kad\u0131n, ac\u0131mas\u0131zca yans\u0131tt\u0131 ona ger\u00e7ekleri.<\/p>\n
Bu sefer susmad\u0131 ya\u015fl\u0131 kad\u0131n. Avaz\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131 kadar ba\u011f\u0131rd\u0131, \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131, \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131k att\u0131. Sonunda y\u0131llard\u0131r saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131, yere g\u00f6\u011fe s\u0131\u011fd\u0131ramad\u0131\u011f\u0131 o de\u011ferli aynay\u0131 k\u0131rd\u0131.<\/p>\n
\u201cHayata D\u00f6n!\u201d dedi, kendine. \u201cHayata D\u00f6n! Bu, sen de\u011filsin.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Uzun zamandan beri, ilk defa ayna…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":148,"featured_media":8855,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[69,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8854"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/148"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8854"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8854\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8854"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8854"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8854"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}