\u0130\u00e7ime d\u00f6k\u00fclen onca kelimeden ac\u0131ma yak\u0131n bir c\u00fcmle kuram\u0131yorum. Bu ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 anlatacak hi\u00e7bir lisan yok hen\u00fcz yery\u00fcz\u00fcnde. G\u00fcnler ge\u00e7iyor. Zaman sayg\u0131s\u0131z ve kendini bilmez bir haydut gibi \u00fcst\u00fcne basa basa ge\u00e7iyor an\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131n. Biten her g\u00fcne sana yak\u0131nla\u015ft\u0131rma ihtimaliyle minnettar\u0131m. 11 ay\u0131n malumu sensizlik de\u011fil sadece; merhametsizlik, \u015fefkatsizlik, sevgisizlik k\u0131saca hissizlik. Bu ka\u00e7\u0131nc\u0131 cevaps\u0131z mektup art\u0131k saym\u0131yorum. Sana kavu\u015fmak i\u00e7in ka\u00e7tan geriye do\u011fru sayaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 da bilmiyorum. Yorulmak bilmeyen bir tela\u015f h\u00e2kim senin g\u00f6remedi\u011fin g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcn alt\u0131nda. Ya\u015famak istenen hayata yeti\u015fme arzusuyla acelesi var herkesin. \u0130zliyorum \u00f6yle duvar arkas\u0131ndan silinik. Ayak uydurmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum bu tela\u015fa.Ama beceremiyorum, yoruluyorum kendimden ve iyiyim rollerimden. Bazen\u00a0 ak\u0131p giden kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n ortas\u0131nda aniden durup avaz\u0131m \u00e7\u0131k\u0131ncaya kadar \u201ccan\u0131m \u00a0ac\u0131yor\u201d diye ba\u011f\u0131rmak istiyorum. Zoruma gidiyor, i\u00e7im ac\u0131rken mutluluk seyircisi olmak. Ait olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir beden gibi ortas\u0131nda bulundu\u011fum ne varsa. Her saniye al\u0131p verdi\u011fim nefes dahi yabanc\u0131la\u015f\u0131yor, seni d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrken. En \u00e7ok geceleri \u00e7ekiliyorum i\u00e7ime, ezbere biliyor d\u00f6rt duvar o halimi. Uyku vefas\u0131z, gecenin ise umurunda de\u011fil. Hi\u00e7 bir \u015feyin tad\u0131 yok, seni r\u00fcyamda g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm uykular hari\u00e7.<\/p>\n
Gitti\u011finde yaz aylar\u0131yd\u0131, yoklu\u011funun ertesinde Sardunyalar\u0131n, fesle\u011fenlerin ve ad\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6\u011fretemedi\u011fin di\u011fer \u00e7i\u00e7eklerinde soldu. Asl\u0131nda sulamalar\u0131n\u0131 da ihmal etmemi\u015ftim ama sanki senin \u015fefkat kokan ellerine al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015flar, \u00fcstelik beni sevmiyor gibi davrand\u0131lar. Sen mutluyken g\u00f6kku\u015fa\u011f\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcnde. Bahar\u0131m y\u00fcz\u00fcn, \u00e7i\u00e7eklerim g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc. Sesimizden ayr\u0131 g\u00fcn ge\u00e7iremezken mevsimler ge\u00e7irdik ayr\u0131 ayr\u0131. Hi\u00e7bir \u015feyin yoklu\u011funu ya\u015fatmad\u0131n sen, seninkisi kadar. Bir dedem yoktu benim. Senin 24 senedir, \u00f6ld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc kabullenemedi\u011fin i\u00e7in mezar\u0131na bir kez dahi gidemedi\u011fin baban\u2026 Onun yoklu\u011fu; yast\u0131klar\u0131n alt\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0131kan, deden sana getirmi\u015f diyerek verdi\u011fin \u00e7ikolatalarla sarmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n tek yokluktu.\u00a0 Art\u0131k o yast\u0131klar\u0131n alt\u0131, senin yoklu\u011funu dolduramayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilir gibi mahcup. Varken \u00f6\u011fretmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n her \u015feyi yoklu\u011funla \u00f6\u011frendim. \u00a0D\u00fcnyan\u0131n en g\u00fczel alarm sesi senin sesinmi\u015f.\u00a0 Kahvalt\u0131 yapmadan evden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, bir alamet ba\u015fa gelmiyormu\u015f. Ekmekler k\u0131zarmadan da yenilebilirmi\u015f. \u0130ncir re\u00e7elsiz kahvalt\u0131 yap\u0131l\u0131rsa \u00f6l\u00fcnm\u00fcyormu\u015f. G\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131ma ve sa\u00e7lar\u0131ma kendi ellerim de yeti\u015febiliyormu\u015f. Ha bir de, a\u011flamama dayanamayan ve a\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131mda kap\u0131m\u0131 \u00e7alan senden ba\u015fkas\u0131 de\u011filmi\u015f. Senin i\u00e7in anne yar\u0131s\u0131 demek ne dolmaz bir eksiklik, ne buruk bir haks\u0131zl\u0131k.<\/p>\n
Sana teyze dedi\u011fim her g\u00fcn i\u00e7in beni affet anne.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u0130\u00e7ime d\u00f6k\u00fclen onca kelimeden ac\u0131ma yak\u0131n…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":115,"featured_media":8320,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8242"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/115"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8242"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8242\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8242"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8242"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8242"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}