Nereye b\u00fcy\u00fcyemeyece\u011fini bilemeyen ben.
\nKendi i\u00e7inde kendini ararken daha \u00e7ok bulamaman\u0131n karga\u015fas\u0131n\u0131 ya\u015fayan ben.
\nG\u00f6zlerim nas\u0131l baks\u0131n ki g\u00f6rebileyim\u2019in cevab\u0131n\u0131 ararken buluyorum kendimi her ge\u00e7en g\u00fcn. \u0130\u00e7imdeki hangi duygular\u0131n azl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan ya da hangi duygu fazlal\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan bulam\u0131yorum kendimi, bilmiyorum. Cevaplar\u0131 bulmaya \u00f6mr\u00fcm yeter mi? O da bir bilinmezli\u011fim oluyor. Diyorum ki, binlerce soruma cevap yerine tek bir kelime arasam ve bulsam. T\u00fcm sorular\u0131ma tek kelimelik bir cevap versem. Kendime yar etti\u011fim, rengimle boyad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, kokumu katt\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir kelimem olsa.
\nOlmal\u0131 herkesin b\u00f6ylesi kendini, kendinden iyi tan\u0131tan bir kelimesi. Benli\u011fini vermeli ona. Kendinde bulunan her \u015feyi feda etmeli onun u\u011frunda. \u0130\u00e7indeki t\u00fcm d\u00fcnyalar\u0131 ona s\u0131\u011fd\u0131rsa. Hem h\u00fczn\u00fc olsa, hem ne\u015fe kayna\u011f\u0131. Hatr\u0131na d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde hem tebess\u00fcm ettirse, hem g\u00f6zlerini doldursa. Ve hi\u00e7 t\u00fckenmese derinli\u011fi. Sonsuz bir s\u00f6zc\u00fck olsa. \u0130nsan ke\u015fke sonsuz bir s\u00f6zc\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn pe\u015finden ko\u015fsa.
\nHayat\u0131n tam i\u00e7inde bulunmak yerine bu sabah k\u0131y\u0131dan baksak insanlara. Hayat\u0131n k\u0131y\u0131s\u0131nda roman okuyor gibi okumaya ba\u015flayal\u0131m g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fcz ne varsa. G\u00f6zlerimiz \u00e7ocuklara de\u011fdi\u011fi vakit durdural\u0131m zaman\u0131 ve arda kalan y\u0131llar\u0131m\u0131za gidelim. \u0130lk yolculuklar\u0131m\u0131za, en dokunakl\u0131 anlar\u0131m\u0131za, zarif eylemlerimize bak\u0131p kendimizi bulma \u00e7abam\u0131z i\u00e7erisindeki sorular\u0131n cevab\u0131n\u0131 ararken, arad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z kelimemizi de bulma umudumuz olsa. \u00c7ocuklu\u011fuma bakarken Necip Faz\u0131l d\u00f6k\u00fclse dilimden;\u201d\u00c7ocukken haftalar bana as\u0131r\\ derken saat oldu\\ derken saniye\u2026\u201d G\u00f6zlerimin \u00f6n\u00fcnden ge\u00e7ip giderken \u00e7ocuklu\u011fum, ben arad\u0131\u011f\u0131m kelimemi bulamaman\u0131n h\u00fczn\u00fc i\u00e7inde bo\u011fulmaktan ka\u00e7sam. Kitap raflar\u0131nda arasam kelimemi. Sevdi\u011fim bir kitap;
\n\u201cSevgili Karde\u015fim,
\nM\u00fc\u015ffik bakabilelim d\u00fcnyaya,
\nMerhameti b\u00fcy\u00fctelim,
\nKollar\u0131m\u0131z \u00f6yle uzun a\u00e7\u0131ls\u0131n ki
\nKu\u015fats\u0131n yedi cihan\u0131
\nVe b\u00fct\u00fcn ac\u0131lara merhem olacak
\nS\u00f6zlerimiz bulunsun da\u011farc\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda.\u201d
\nDiye bir kelime dizisi sunsa bana. Bir k\u0131s\u0131m sorular\u0131m\u0131n cevaplar\u0131n\u0131 buldu\u011fuma sevinmek yerine, kelimemin pe\u015fine d\u00fc\u015fsem. T\u00fcm duygular\u0131m\u0131z\u0131, ya\u015fanm\u0131\u015fl\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 bir yana b\u0131rak\u0131p kelimemizin ke\u015ffine \u00e7\u0131ksak. D\u00fcnyan\u0131n b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fczelliklerini onunla kucaklay\u0131p, t\u00fcm k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckleri i\u00e7ine bast\u0131r\u0131p yok etsek.
\nBen hala kelimemin ke\u015fif yollar\u0131nda, yol kaybetmekle m\u00fckellefim. Hala bulamad\u0131m. Sadece tan\u0131mlayabiliyorum. Ama harflere konduram\u0131yorum.
\n\u201cOrkide zarifli\u011finde,
\nMavinin huzuru
\nPembe masumiyeti,
\nSar\u0131n\u0131n ne\u015fesi \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcs\u00fcnde
\nBir d\u00fc\u015f bah\u00e7esi.
\n\u0130\u00e7inde k\u0131z\u0131l bulut t\u00fcrk\u00fcs\u00fc,
\nSavrulan yaprak h\u0131\u015f\u0131rt\u0131s\u0131nda
\nDuyulan ayak seslerini bar\u0131nd\u0131ran
\nYollar\u0131nda ku\u015f c\u0131v\u0131lt\u0131lar\u0131,
\nKucakl\u0131yor d\u00fcnyay\u0131.
\nBir kez daha.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Nereye b\u00fcy\u00fcyemeyece\u011fini bilemeyen ben. Kendi i\u00e7inde…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":70,"featured_media":8631,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7919"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/70"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7919"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7919\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7919"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7919"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7919"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}