Bazen olur ya hani; t\u00fcm h\u00fccrelerinde hissedersin kap\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131n duyguyu. \u0130liklerine kadar. Beyninde \u015fim\u015fekler \u00e7akmaya ba\u015flar ard\u0131 ard\u0131na. Alevler birden parlar. Tam da o anlar\u0131n birisindeydi i\u015fte. Zihninin dar sokaklar\u0131na t\u00fcrl\u00fc t\u00fcrl\u00fc d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceler ak\u0131n etmeye ba\u015flad\u0131. Hatta baz\u0131lar\u0131 \u00fcst \u00fcste bindi, s\u0131\u011famad\u0131. Yetmedi bo\u015fluklar. Bir bulmacan\u0131n hem sonuna gelmi\u015f, hem de en zor k\u0131sm\u0131na tak\u0131l\u0131p kalm\u0131\u015f gibiydi fakat her \u015feyin daha yeni ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 da biliyordu. Demek ki bunca zaman ifade edememi\u015fti kendini. Hissettiklerini yans\u0131tamam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 g\u00f6n\u00fcl penceresinden. Ya da ba\u015fka biri, ondan \u00f6nce davranm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Daha etkili, daha \u00f6ncelikli, daha farkl\u0131\u2026 Her \u015feyin \u201cdaha\u201ds\u0131 olan biri. Uzun uzun d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc. Puslu laciverte \u00e7alan o geni\u015f ufuklara bakarken akl\u0131na \u015fu c\u00fcmle tak\u0131ld\u0131:<\/p>\n
\u201cAcaba \u00e7ok mu ge\u00e7 kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ne ara bu kadar bencil olmu\u015ftu ki b\u00f6yle? Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 hayat m\u0131 yoksa hayatta ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131 m\u0131 onu bu hale getirmi\u015fti, \u00e7\u00f6zemedi bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc. Zaten \u00e7ok da kafa yormad\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6zmek i\u00e7in. \u015eimdilik bildi\u011fi tek bir ge\u00e7erlilik vard\u0131. Karmakar\u0131\u015f\u0131k duygular ip atl\u0131yordu hayal bah\u00e7esinde. Sanki bin bir t\u00fcrde \u00e7e\u015fit \u00e7e\u015fit renkli y\u00fcn yumaklar \u00f6nce \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f sonra da birbiri i\u00e7ine girip dolanm\u0131\u015f gibiydi. Hem \u00f6ylesine g\u00fczel hem \u00f6ylesine i\u00e7inden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131lmaz bir halde. Ne hissedece\u011fine karar veremiyor, \u015fiirinin son sat\u0131r\u0131na kafiye bulamam\u0131\u015f bir \u015fair gibi m\u0131zm\u0131zlan\u0131yordu. Sevmeseydi, saymasayd\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr m\u00fcyd\u00fc bu kadar, de\u011fer miydi can\u0131n\u0131 s\u0131kmaya? \u00d6nemliydi onun i\u00e7in i\u015fte, \u00f6nemli de kalacakt\u0131.<\/p>\n
D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn kim bilir ka\u00e7 saat ge\u00e7mi\u015fti b\u00f6yle. Elinde bir kitap, yan taraf\u0131nda manolyalar, kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda ya\u011fmurun habercisi olan kara bulutlar. Saatler boyu kitab\u0131n kapa\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bir kere bile a\u00e7amam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00d6nce bu \u00e7\u0131kmazdan kurtulmas\u0131 gerekiyordu. \u00d6n\u00fcne \u00f6r\u00fclen duvarlar\u0131 bir bir y\u0131kmas\u0131 gerekiyordu. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc tan\u0131yordu kendisini. En olmal\u0131yd\u0131, tek olmal\u0131yd\u0131. Sevmiyordu bu \u00e7ekememezli\u011fini kendisi de ama dur da diyemiyordu bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc p\u0131t p\u0131t atan y\u00fcre\u011fine.<\/p>\n
Kafas\u0131 bu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerle bo\u011fu\u015furken birka\u00e7 saat daha ge\u00e7mi\u015f, bu sefer kendini masan\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131nda k\u00e2\u011f\u0131tlar\u0131 buru\u015ftururken buldu. \u2018Olmuyor, olmuyor\u2019 diye yaramaz \u00e7ocuklar gibi s\u0131zland\u0131. Belki bir nebze rahatlar\u0131m fikriyle bir \u015feyler karalamak i\u00e7in oturdu\u011fu yerden \u00f6fkelenerek kalkt\u0131. F\u0131rlatt\u0131 kalemi. K\u0131zg\u0131nd\u0131 t\u00fcm olanlara. Kelimeler bile k\u0131rg\u0131nd\u0131 baksana. Sayfalar k\u00fcsm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc, heceler incinmi\u015fti. A\u00e7t\u0131 pencereyi, usul usul esen melteme b\u0131rakt\u0131 bir s\u00fcre kendini. \u201cZorlamamak gerek demek ki.\u201d dedi. Hayat\u0131nda ilk defa geri ad\u0131m att\u0131. De\u011fer verdi\u011fi biri i\u00e7in m\u00fccadeleyi \u015fimdilik reddetmi\u015fti. Yenilgiden nefret ederdi ama sevdikleri onun i\u00e7in daha de\u011ferliydi. Hakim olamasayd\u0131 kendine, \u00fcz\u00fcnt\u00fcden ba\u015fka bir \u015fey veremeyecekti en de\u011ferlisine. Arkas\u0131na d\u00f6nd\u00fc, savurdu\u011fu kaleminden \u00f6z\u00fcr diledi. Pencereyi kapad\u0131, bir bardak su verdi manolyas\u0131na. D\u0131\u015far\u0131daki bulutlar\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc. Ne de \u00e7ok seviyorlard\u0131 toprakla birbirlerini. Toprak susuz kald\u0131k\u00e7a, yukar\u0131da karar\u0131yordu i\u00e7leri. Sonra ba\u015fl\u0131yorlard\u0131 a\u011flamaya, yard\u0131m etmek istercesine ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yorlard\u0131. Onlar\u0131 g\u00f6ren g\u00fcne\u015f ise k\u0131ymetli iki dostunun \u00fcz\u00fcnt\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fc gidermek i\u00e7in, arma\u011fan olarak t\u00fcm renkleri sunuyordu g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcne. Ama g\u00fcne\u015f de biliyordu ki bulutun sevgisi olmadan ya\u011famazd\u0131 ya\u011fmur. Ya\u011fmur ya\u011fmad\u0131k\u00e7a da g\u00f6kku\u015fa\u011f\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kmayacakt\u0131 ortaya.<\/p>\n
Bu kadar d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmek, kendini yiyip bitirmek yeterdi. Son c\u00fcmlelerini de s\u00f6yleyerek da\u011f\u0131tt\u0131 havadaki t\u00fcm sisleri. O ya\u011fmurlu\u011funu yapm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 kendince. Geriye sab\u0131rla arma\u011fan\u0131n\u0131 beklemek ve muhte\u015fem renk c\u00fcmb\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fc izlemek d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyordu hissesine.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Bazen olur ya hani; t\u00fcm h\u00fccrelerinde…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":45,"featured_media":7732,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7727"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/45"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7727"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7727\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7727"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7727"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7727"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}