Anlamak zehrine bula\u015ft\u0131m her yerim d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce sarmal\u0131ndan yap\u0131\u015f yap\u0131\u015f. Panzehir mi? Anlams\u0131zl\u0131k… Art\u0131k biliyorum bu d\u00f6rt duvar\u0131n aras\u0131nda ya\u015famaya dair umudumun t\u00fckendi\u011fini. Sevgili kalbim bile isteyerek beni neden ayn\u0131 duyguyla uzun bir zamanla s\u0131namak istersin. Zaman\u0131n ayr\u0131cal\u0131kl\u0131 s\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131 beni \u015f\u0131martmaya yetmiyor. Kanm\u0131yorum \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc benim -bir seraba daha- kanacak ba\u015fka yaram yok. A\u011flasam ge\u00e7meyecek, bir da\u011f\u0131n yamac\u0131ndan k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir topun yuvarlanarak gittik\u00e7e b\u00fcy\u00fcyen bir s\u00fcr\u00fc karamsar d\u00fc\u015flerle hatta \u00e7evresi taraf\u0131ndan topa\u00e7lanarak ipi \u00e7ekilip yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa itildi\u011fim canlan\u0131r zihnimde, t\u0131pk\u0131 pimi \u00e7ekilen bir bomba gibi. Sinirlerim az\u0131yor hala bir da\u011f\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131ndan d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerimin ahenkli bir bi\u00e7imde intihara s\u00fcr\u00fckleni\u015fine \u015fahit oluyorum. Gereksiz \u00f6fke ve kas\u0131lmalar b\u00fct\u00fcn\u00fc bunlar biliyorum dostum hepsini de. Kime ne kadar k\u0131rg\u0131n oldu\u011fumu bilemeyecek kadar acizim. Belki biraz kitap okuya bilseydim kalbimin d\u00fcnyevi h\u00fczn\u00fcnden, tozundan ar\u0131n\u0131rd\u0131m. O zamanda hi\u00e7bir kitap bitmemeli \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc her bir kitab\u0131n biti\u015fi insan\u0131 \u00f6l\u00fcme s\u00fcr\u00fckl\u00fcyor, \u015fair zaten \u00e7oktan \u00f6lm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcr. Ancak burada tek kitap zihnimden ge\u00e7en s\u00f6zler oluyor ve \u00f6len yine ba\u015frol\u00fcn sahibi. Kendimi yontuyorum hayatta kalabilmek i\u00e7in. \u00d6lmek en kolay\u0131yd\u0131 sanc\u0131l\u0131 bir ya\u015fam\u0131n kuca\u011f\u0131nda. Do\u011fru soruya ve do\u011fru anahtara ula\u015fmak i\u00e7in tek bedel g\u00f6zlerim. Burada olu\u015fuma anlam verecek insan\u0131n, cesurca g\u00f6zlerinin i\u00e7ine bakabilecek miyim, k\u0131r\u0131lan yanlar\u0131m\u0131 unutup k\u0131rmaya yeltenirsem insan\u0131m diye ge\u00e7inip durdu\u011fum s\u0131fat\u0131mdan unutmay\u0131 de\u011fil o zaman utanmay\u0131 dilerim. G\u00f6zlerimi karanl\u0131\u011fa kapatt\u0131m \u00e7ok s\u00fcrmeden a\u00e7\u0131p tekrar kapatt\u0131m bir s\u0131r gibiydi. Ne g\u00f6zlerimin a\u00e7\u0131kken \u015fahit oldu\u011fu bu karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00f6zlerimin kapal\u0131yken anlatabiliyordum ne de g\u00f6zlerim kapal\u0131 iken g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00f6zlerim a\u00e7\u0131kken anlatabiliyordum. Bu s\u0131k\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m zaman hangi zamana dair bilmiyorum, sen biliyor musun ki dostum?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
T\u00fcm samimiyetsiz cevaplara kar\u015f\u0131 i\u00e7imde bir gitmek iste\u011fi saklad\u0131m, fark ettirmeden r\u00fczg\u00e2rlar\u0131n bile beni umut ile h\u0131rpalamas\u0131na, mutluluk vaatleriyle vurup kam\u00e7\u0131lamas\u0131na izin vermemek i\u00e7in ya\u015fam\u0131m boyunca didinip durdum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu \u00e7a\u011fda en g\u00fczel kelimeleri en \u00e7irkin kalbe sahip olanlar s\u00f6ylemekte. Acele etmeyece\u011fim, \u00f6zellikle ya\u015famak i\u00e7in. Benzememek ad\u0131na -vars\u0131n \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm elimden al\u0131nsan-<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Anlamak zehrine bula\u015ft\u0131m her yerim d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":331,"featured_media":8335,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11521"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/331"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11521"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11521\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11521"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11521"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11521"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}