K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcmseyen, hele de ac\u0131yan o bak\u0131\u015flar yok mu ya! O kadar incitmi\u015fti ki y\u00fcre\u011fini. O kadar s\u0131zlatm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ki yaras\u0131n\u0131. “Nas\u0131ls\u0131n” derken bile, kendisinin iyi durumda olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n alt\u0131n\u0131\u00a0 \u00e7izen ve bundan \u015feytani bir zevk duyan o sahte\u00a0 ilgiler o kadar ac\u0131tm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ki i\u00e7ini. Daha fazla duramad\u0131\u00a0 orada. Yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n sessiz ve tarafs\u0131z kuca\u011f\u0131na bir an \u00f6nce at\u0131lmak i\u00e7in h\u0131zla ayr\u0131ld\u0131 bulundu\u011fu ortamdan. \u201cVakit senin\u00a0 i\u00e7in daha \u00e7ok erken, bu saatte evde ne yapacaks\u0131n\u201d diyen, ima y\u00fckl\u00fc s\u00f6zleri de ard\u0131nda\u00a0b\u0131rakt\u0131 b\u00f6ylelikle. Ko\u015ftu y\u0131k\u0131k\u00a0d\u00f6k\u00fck viranesine. Uzun zamand\u0131r u\u011framam\u0131\u015f gibi sab\u0131rs\u0131zl\u0131kla birer iki\u015fer t\u0131rmand\u0131 g\u0131c\u0131rdayan merdivenleri. Karanl\u0131kta el yordam\u0131yla buldu\u011fu kibritle yakt\u0131 gaz lambas\u0131n\u0131. \u00c7ekti pencerenin\u00a0 y\u0131rt\u0131k perdesini. Her yerine sadece kendi kokusunun sindi\u011fi, tavandaki tahta ve\u00a0 tahtalardaki\u00a0 budak say\u0131s\u0131na kadar her bir k\u00f6\u015fesini, her bir \u015feyini \u00e7ok iyi bildi\u011fi, bir zamanlar babas\u0131n\u0131n k\u00fcf\u00fcrleriyle, anac\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n yan\u0131k t\u00fcrk\u00fcleriyle \u00e7\u0131nlayan bu duvarlar yine kucak a\u00e7t\u0131\u00a0 kendisine. Her bir \u015feyini, her bir gizini, her bir g\u00fcnah\u0131n\u0131 bilen, g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015flerine de a\u011flay\u0131\u015flar\u0131na da defalarca tan\u0131kl\u0131k eden bu ev, yine ba\u011fr\u0131na\u00a0bast\u0131 kendisini. \u00dcstelik ne kadar da s\u0131rda\u015ft\u0131 O. Ya\u011fmurun, \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n ve so\u011fuk havan\u0131n rahat\u00e7a girip \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131 bo\u015fluklar\u0131ndan, tek bir s\u00f6z tek bir s\u0131r bile s\u0131zmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 d\u0131\u015far\u0131. Kimseye ne serzeni\u015flerini ne de yakar\u0131\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 anlatmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 b\u00fct\u00fcn\u00a0 k\u00f6hneli\u011fine inat. Lo\u015f \u0131\u015f\u0131kta titreyen g\u00f6lgeleri seyretti bir s\u00fcre hi\u00e7bir \u015fey d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey kurmadan zihninde. Sitemlerin, k\u0131rg\u0131nl\u0131klar\u0131n, isyanlar\u0131n, h\u0131rslar\u0131n ve\u00a0 arzular\u0131n hatta\u00a0 hayallerin bile sustu\u011fu bu vakitler ne kadar g\u00fczeldi Onun i\u00e7in. Kendi \u00e7\u00f6pl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde e\u015finen horoz gibi hissetti\u00a0kendisini. Sanki d\u00fcnyan\u0131n en mutlu ve huzurlu ki\u015fisi oydu. Mutluluk\u00a0 hi\u00e7bir \u015feyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmemek, hi\u00e7bir \u015feyi arzu etmemek, hi\u00e7bir \u015feyden\u00a0 etkilenmemek miydi\u00a0 yoksa? \u00d6yleyse \u015fu an \u00e7ok mutlu olmal\u0131yd\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bunun fark\u0131nda bile olamayacak\u00a0 kadar kendinden ge\u00e7mi\u015f durumdayd\u0131. Fark\u0131ndal\u0131k ise mutlulu\u011funa g\u00f6lge d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcrecekti. Her nedense, anla\u015f\u0131lmayan g\u00fczellik, payla\u015f\u0131lmayan mutluluk de\u011ferini yitirmekteydi. Payla\u015fma ise yeni bekleyi\u015fler ortaya \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131yordu. Bu da yeni sorunlara kap\u0131 aralamaktayd\u0131. Ka\u00e7 ki\u015fi ba\u015fkas\u0131n\u0131n\u00a0 mutlulu\u011funa ger\u00e7ek anlamda sevinebiliyordu ki… Ka\u00e7 ki\u015fi kendisinde olmayandan keyif\u00a0 alabiliyordu ki… \u00c7ok az belki de hi\u00e7 diyeceksiniz san\u0131r\u0131m.\u00a0Do\u011fru\u00a0s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorsunuz da bunun b\u00f6yle oldu\u011funu nereden biliyorsunuz? Acaba bu sezi, bu alg\u0131, kendi i\u00e7 d\u00fcnyam\u0131z\u0131n, hislerimizin bir yans\u0131mas\u0131 m\u0131 yoksa? Ki\u015fi kendinden pay bi\u00e7er de\u011fil mi? Eyvah ki ne\u00a0 eyvah!.. Ger\u00e7ekten de \u00f6yle. Bunu siz de biliyorsunuz\u00a0 ben de.
C\u0131r c\u0131r b\u00f6ceklerinin\u00a0serenad\u0131yla medidatif halin en \u00fcst basama\u011f\u0131ndan g\u00f6lgeler d\u00fcnyas\u0131n\u0131n karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131na geri d\u00f6nd\u00fc. Bir sigara yakt\u0131. Yasland\u0131 kirden renk de\u011fi\u015ftirmi\u015f yast\u0131\u011fa. Haf\u0131zas\u0131na kaydetti\u011fi g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fcy\u00fc a\u00e7t\u0131 yine. Do\u011fu ekspresinde, trenin raylarla bulu\u015fmas\u0131yla ortaya \u00e7\u0131kan ritmik ses ula\u015ft\u0131 yine kulaklar\u0131na. Pencereden kompart\u0131mana dolan sert r\u00fczgar dalgaland\u0131rd\u0131, hi\u00e7 ak d\u00fc\u015fmeyecek sand\u0131\u011f\u0131 simsiyah sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131. “Es” dedi yine “Yi\u011fidin\u00a0 ba\u011fr\u0131na ba\u011fr\u0131na es be g\u00e2vurun r\u00fczgar\u0131 es!” Esti ger\u00e7ekten gavurun\u00a0r\u00fczgar\u0131 ama\u00a0\u00e7ok sert. Savurdu yi\u011fidi oradan oraya. Sevdi olmad\u0131, \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131 olmad\u0131. Aldand\u0131, aldat\u0131ld\u0131. Kand\u0131, kand\u0131r\u0131ld\u0131. Her \u015fey Ona sahip oldu da, O hi\u00e7bir \u015feye sahip olamad\u0131. Ger\u00e7i kimsenin hi\u00e7bir\u00a0\u015feye nihai\u00a0olarak sahip oldu\u011fu hi\u00e7 bir \u015fey yoktu zaten. K\u00fcsmece olmamal\u0131yd\u0131 hayata. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc hi\u00e7\u00a0su\u00e7u yoktu, ne fele\u011fin ne de kaderin. Ya\u015fanan her \u015fey bizim veya ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n\u00a0 bizimle olan tercihleriyle ilgiliydi. En \u00e7ok tekrar edilen eylem ve d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceler ger\u00e7ekle\u015firken\u00a0di\u011ferleri suya yaz\u0131lan\u00a0yaz\u0131 gibi silinip gidiyordu. Kaybedilen hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yok \u015fu hayatta. Yitirdi\u011fimizi zannetti\u011fimiz her \u015fey asl\u0131nda kaydedip fikir ve d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce\u00a0 olarak kulland\u0131klar\u0131m\u0131zd\u0131r. Bu y\u00fczden her \u015feye kaybedilen de\u011fil kaydedilen g\u00f6z\u00fcyle\u00a0 bakmal\u0131y\u0131z. Zaten sonsuza ta\u015f\u0131yabilece\u011fimiz \u015fey de sahip olduklar\u0131m\u0131z de\u011fil
kaydettiklerimizdir. Serin serin sa\u00e7lar\u0131na \u00fcfleyen r\u00fczg\u00e2r, s\u00fcrekli de\u011fi\u015fen manzara, uzaktan g\u00fcl\u00fcmseyen karl\u0131\u00a0 da\u011flar, dereler, salk\u0131m s\u00f6\u011f\u00fctler ve g\u00fcn\u00a0\u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n canland\u0131r\u0131c\u0131 m\u00fczi\u011fi\u00a0ile\u00a0bir kez daha ye\u015ferdi\u00a0 \u00fcmitleri. Her \u015feye ra\u011fmen hayat devam ediyordu. Ge\u00e7mi\u015fle dertlenmek kimseyi mutlu
etmemi\u015fti \u015fimdiye kadar. Ayn\u0131 tecr\u00fcbeleri ya\u015famak da nesin nesiydi. Ne istedi\u011fini zaten\u00a0 biliyordu. Ne yapmak gerekti\u011fini de. \u00d6yleyse haz\u0131r cemreler d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015fken bahara ermeliydi. S\u0131r\u0131ls\u0131klam \u0131slanmal\u0131yd\u0131 nisan ya\u011fmurlar\u0131nda. \u015eark\u0131lar s\u00f6ylemeliydi umars\u0131zca. \u00c7i\u00e7ek \u00e7i\u00e7ek dola\u015fmal\u0131yd\u0131 reng\u00e2renk ballar\u0131. Tatmal\u0131yd\u0131 \u015fifa niyetine. \u00d6yle
yapt\u0131 zaten! \u00d6yle yap\u0131n\u00a0 zaten!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcmseyen, hele de ac\u0131yan o bak\u0131\u015flar…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":278,"featured_media":11419,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11418"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/278"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11418"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11418\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11418"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11418"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11418"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}