Pek bir \u015fey hissetmiyorum. Bir\u00e7ok k\u0131rg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131m var elbette. Ki zaten konu\u015fmam gereken hi\u00e7bir vakitte a\u011fz\u0131mda fedaili\u011fe kalkmazd\u0131 kelimeler. Ulan hepiniz oradayd\u0131n\u0131z be! Hani \u015fu katilli filmlerde ka\u00e7an kurban bir s\u00fcre sonra yorulup durur ya \u00f6lece\u011fini bilerek\u2026 Yorgunluk, yorulmak i\u015fte \u00f6yle lanet bir \u015fey… Ya\u015fam\u0131 kesecek kadar keskin bir emir, \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fc kabullendirecek kadar kendisine tabi etmi\u015f bir komutan\u2026 \u0130nsan\u0131n beslendikleriyle kendini zehirleyebilmesi, ne garip! G\u00fcn\u00fc ge\u00e7mi\u015f kavu\u015fmalar, bozulmu\u015f huzur, fazla t\u00fcketilen yaln\u0131zl\u0131k, a\u00e7\u0131ld\u0131ktan sonra kullan\u0131lmam\u0131\u015f sevgi, kar\u0131\u015fma-kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131rma h\u0131z\u0131 ayarlanamam\u0131\u015f iki insan\u0131n kesilmesi ve buna ra\u011fmen servis edilmesi\u2026 Midem bulan\u0131yor, bu ya\u015fam\u0131 daha fazla tutamayaca\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7imde! Her g\u00fcn ayn\u0131 \u015feyleri g\u00f6ren biri ile k\u00f6r\u00fcn aras\u0131ndaki fark ne? Dur, dur da ben s\u00f6yleyeyim: Kom\u015funun tavu\u011fu, kaz g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyor sadece. Madem ayn\u0131 \u015fey, neden mi k\u00f6r\u00fcm? \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc k\u00f6rler, yalanlar\u0131 sadece duyar, g\u00f6rmezler. Dayanamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m bir h\u00e2l ald\u0131 art\u0131k yalan. Yalan s\u00f6ylenirken izledi\u011fim dudak hareketleri, jestler, mimikler, kahrolas\u0131 seslerin tonlar\u0131! Y\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fcn her santimetresi yalanla par\u00e7aland\u0131, lime lime edildim y\u0131llar y\u0131l\u0131. \u0130nan, pek bir \u015fey hissedemiyorum art\u0131k. Sadece k\u00f6r\u00fcm ve bu zamanla oldu\u2026<\/p>\n
Bana sorsalar, \u201cAni geli\u015fti bu karar\u2026\u201d derim. Fakat biliyorum ki i\u00e7imde y\u0131llard\u0131r benden habersiz b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc bu fikir. Art\u0131k onun i\u00e7in zaman\u0131 gelmi\u015f olmal\u0131 ki \u201cBen senin evlad\u0131n\u0131m!\u201d tavr\u0131yla dikildi kar\u015f\u0131ma. Do\u011fum g\u00fcn\u00fcnde e\u015finin s\u00fcrpriz yapmas\u0131 kadar al\u0131\u015f\u0131lm\u0131\u015f fakat ani\u2026 Ani bir kararla d\u00fcn ald\u0131m urgan\u0131m\u0131. Urganc\u0131y\u0131 tan\u0131m\u0131yorum. Ki ona urganc\u0131 m\u0131 denir, onu bile bilmiyorum. Hem bu zamanda kimin urgan satan bir tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131 var ki? Hay\u0131r, bilsem oradan al\u0131rd\u0131m; dostlar kazans\u0131n!
\nUrgan elimde y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcm eve kadar, yahu bir urgan\u0131n insan\u0131 bu kadar rahatlataca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hi\u00e7 tahmin etmezdim, y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fck\u00e7e tang\u0131r tungur d\u00f6k\u00fcl\u00fcyor pe\u015fim s\u0131ra; kira, fatura, i\u015f, akraba, kaz\u0131k, bolca kaz\u0131k, yalanlar, bolca\u2026 Affedersiniz ama m\u00fcbala\u011fa edece\u011fim; kap\u0131m kendi kendisini a\u00e7t\u0131, h\u00fcrmet ve sayg\u0131yla\u2026<\/p>\n
E\u011fdim ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 gam-\u0131 haneme n\u00fcfuz ederken e\u011fik e\u011fik devam ettim, bunca y\u0131ll\u0131k duvarlar\u0131ma hesap verecek kadar vaktim yok. Hem eski dostlar, s\u0131rda\u015flar b\u00f6yle \u015feyleri tolere edebilmesiyle naml\u0131 de\u011fil mi? Ah benim tek g\u00f6zl\u00fc, rutubet kataraktl\u0131 devim, salonum\u2026 En zoru da masam\u2026 Masama\u2026 Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey dememek en iyisi; s\u00f6z bir \u00e7ilingir ve benim bir e\u015fi\u011fi daha i\u015fgal edecek kadar ar\u015f\u0131n taburum yok. Keskin olmal\u0131y\u0131m art\u0131k, en az\u0131ndan bir k\u00e2\u011f\u0131t kadar. \u0130\u00e7ine kapan\u0131k, nahif g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fcn alt\u0131na saklanm\u0131\u015f fakat do\u011fru anda kan ak\u0131tacak kadar g\u00f6z\u00fc d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015f bir k\u00e2\u011f\u0131t. Bir hamlede ald\u0131m masam\u0131n \u00fczerinde duran \u015fi\u015feyi, bir hamlede doldurdum kadehime. Hepsinin an\u0131s\u0131, yarenli\u011fi ayr\u0131 ama yer yok buna, bu vakitte. Bir hamlede i\u00e7tim son i\u00e7kimi, bir hamlede \u00e7ektim y\u0131llarca oturdu\u011fum taburemi, bir hamlede \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m \u00fczerine, o da afallam\u0131\u015f! Takt\u0131m urgan\u0131m\u0131 tavandaki kancaya, son kez bakt\u0131m, lime lime y\u00fcz\u00fcmle bakt\u0131m, g\u00f6zlerim yeniden g\u00f6rene kadar, \u00e7atlay\u0131p tekrar k\u00f6r olana kadar bakt\u0131m; an\u0131lar\u0131ma, bir oda \u00f6tedeki kahvalt\u0131ma, odan\u0131n her yerinde s\u0131z\u0131\u015flar\u0131ma, \u00e7almayan zilime, prizden \u00e7\u0131karmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015farj\u0131ma, duygulu g\u00f6zlerle sevi\u015fti\u011fim yata\u011f\u0131ma\u2026 Ve ittim sandalyemi! \u00d6tekile\u015ftirdim! Kendimden beri ettim! Ani! Keskin! Bir hamlede!<\/p>\n
Korkudan de\u011fil; bir gizin, bir merak\u0131n son bulaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmenin heyecan\u0131ndan titriyorum.
\nGidiyorum\u2026 Bir hamlede\u2026 Keskin\u2026 Ani\u2026 K\u0131rg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u00e7ok\u2026 \u0130nan, pek bir \u015fey hissetmiyorum art\u0131k.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Pek bir \u015fey hissetmiyorum. Bir\u00e7ok k\u0131rg\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131m…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":279,"featured_media":11366,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11271"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/279"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11271"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11271\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11271"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11271"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11271"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}