Sahi ya\u015f\u0131m\u0131 sorup durmay\u0131n. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben her ac\u0131n\u0131n muhtevas\u0131nda ac\u0131 olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rebilecek ya\u015ftay\u0131m. Hayat\u0131n yedek kul\u00fcbesine d\u00fc\u015fmeme ramak kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00d6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn ikinci yar\u0131s\u0131 diyebilece\u011fim s\u00fcre zarf\u0131nda hep sahan\u0131n i\u00e7erisine girmenin hayalini kurup sahan\u0131n i\u00e7erisinde yer ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m d\u00f6nemlerdeki be\u015fer\u00ee keyfi arayaca\u011f\u0131m. Lakin giden s\u00fcre \u00f6m\u00fcrden oldu\u011fu m\u00fcddet\u00e7e bir daha sahaya ayak basamayaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 biliyordum.<\/p>\n
Hayata dair bildi\u011fim ve bilmedi\u011fim ne varsa bir kenara b\u0131rak\u0131p d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce deryas\u0131nda yol almay\u0131 kendime ama\u00e7 edinmi\u015ftim. Akl\u0131ma d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce kendimi kendimden uzak tuttu\u011fum anlar, i\u00e7im hep \u00fcrperti i\u00e7erisinde y\u0131k\u0131l\u0131r kal\u0131rd\u0131. Yine b\u00f6yle bir an ya\u015fan\u0131rken kendimi k\u0131z\u0131l toprakl\u0131 yolda y\u00fcr\u00fcrken buluyorum. Az sonra k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fckten ah\u015fap masa ve sandalyeleriyle birlikte, ya\u015fanm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131n verdi\u011fi samimiyete istinaden, birbirleriyle b\u00fct\u00fcnle\u015fmi\u015f begonvil sarma\u015f\u0131kl\u0131 duvarlar\u0131yla arz-\u0131 endam eden ve \u00f6telerden bize selam getiren \u00e7ay oca\u011f\u0131n\u0131n yan\u0131na kadar gelmi\u015ftim. Begonvil sarma\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n mor renginin i\u00e7erisinde bar\u0131nd\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 buruk mutlulu\u011fu \u015fimdiden g\u00f6r\u00fcr gibiydim. H\u00fczn\u00fcn ve mutlulu\u011fun tezah\u00fcr\u00fc olan gelin duva\u011f\u0131 misali vakur bir duru\u015f sergiliyordu kar\u015f\u0131mda.<\/p>\n
\u00c7ay oca\u011f\u0131na giri\u015fte ufac\u0131k ama bak\u0131ml\u0131 m\u0131 bak\u0131ml\u0131 bir bah\u00e7eden ge\u00e7iyorsunuz. Bu bah\u00e7e i\u00e7erisinden \u00e7ay oca\u011f\u0131na girinceye kadarki s\u00fcrede ruhunuzu \u00f6nce duygu p\u0131nar\u0131ndan kana kana i\u00e7irmek zorundas\u0131n\u0131z. H\u00e2l\u00e2 b\u00f6yle manal\u0131 yerlerin olmas\u0131 ne g\u00fczel diye ge\u00e7iriyorum i\u00e7imden.<\/p>\n
Tahta kap\u0131n\u0131n ard\u0131ndan i\u00e7eriye do\u011fru sokulup g\u00f6z\u00fcme ili\u015fen duvar dibindeki sandalyeyi \u00e7ekip oturuyorum. \u00d6yle \u015fehir kafeleri gibi daha oturur oturmaz, soluk dahi alamadan men\u00fcy\u00fc g\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fcze sokmuyorlar. Yahut burada kendinizi hep bir \u015feyler yemek i\u00e7mek zorunda hissedip, bulundu\u011funuz ortamdan keyif almaktan ziyade samimiyetsiz bir mutluluk g\u00f6sterisi i\u00e7erisinde yer alman\u0131n zorunlu mah\u015feri \u00e7\u0131lg\u0131nl\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 da hissetmiyorsunuz.<\/p>\n
Odan\u0131n i\u00e7erisinde bir sa\u011fa bir sola ko\u015fu\u015fturup \u00e7ay da\u011f\u0131tan kavruk tenli, c\u0131l\u0131z fakat uzun boylu gence d\u00f6nerek bir \u00e7ay da bana getirmesini s\u00f6yledim. G\u00f6zlerimle dola\u015fmaya \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m odan\u0131n i\u00e7erisinde t\u00fcts\u00fclerin etrafa sa\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131 rayihalarla mest olup kendimden ge\u00e7mi\u015ftim.<\/p>\n
Masaya \u00e7ay\u0131 b\u0131rakan gencin \u201cAfiyet olsun\u201d diye sesleni\u015fiyle birlikte dald\u0131\u011f\u0131m yerden geri d\u00f6nd\u00fcm. \u00c7aydan bir yudum ald\u0131ktan sonra yan\u0131mda getirdi\u011fim \u00e7antamdan k\u00e2\u011f\u0131t ve kalemimi \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131m. Evet burada bir \u015feyler yazabilirdim. Yazmal\u0131yd\u0131m \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc yazamazsam kendimi bir girdap i\u00e7inde k\u0131vrand\u0131k\u00e7a batacak ve \u00e7\u0131kamayacak gibi hissediyordum. A\u011flamakl\u0131 oluyor, g\u00f6zlerim dolaca\u011f\u0131 esnada \u00e7ocuklu\u011fuma gidiyorum. Hani anlatsam kimse i\u00e7in bir anlam ifade etmeyecek fakat benim i\u00e7in yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n ve \u00e7ocuksu bir utanc\u0131n ilk mihenk ta\u015f\u0131\u2026<\/p>\n
Ruhumun bileklerine ge\u00e7irilmi\u015f olan kelep\u00e7e her ge\u00e7en g\u00fcn biraz daha s\u0131k\u0131yordu bedenimi. Ruhum, kalp ve beyin ikileminde d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce sanc\u0131lar\u0131 \u00e7ekmeyi bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc dindiremiyordu. O ne b\u00fcy\u00fck bir s\u0131z\u0131, tarifi d\u00fcnyan\u0131n hi\u00e7bir s\u00f6zl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde yer edinememi\u015ftir.<\/p>\n
K\u00e2\u011f\u0131da bir \u015feyler karalamak geliyor i\u00e7imden fakat kendimde o takati bulam\u0131yorum. Sadece i\u00e7imdeki kendime mahcup olmamak ad\u0131na, birka\u00e7 c\u00fcmle yaz\u0131yorum:<\/p>\n
\u201cYaln\u0131zl\u0131k, gecenin k\u00f6r karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda bir ba\u015f\u0131na soka\u011f\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131ndan sonuna kadar volta atarak tek ba\u015f\u0131na dola\u015fmakta sakl\u0131 de\u011filmi\u015f. Me\u011fer yaln\u0131zl\u0131k do\u011fru s\u00f6z s\u00f6yleyip dokuz k\u00f6yden kovulmak gibi ulu bir vazifenin alt\u0131nda gizli bir cevher imi\u015f.\u201d<\/p>\n
K\u00e2\u011f\u0131d\u0131 masan\u0131n bir k\u00f6\u015fesine b\u0131rakt\u0131m. \u00c7ay\u0131mdan son bir yudum al\u0131p masaya birka\u00e7 lira b\u0131rakt\u0131ktan sonra i\u00e7eri girdi\u011fim bah\u00e7e kap\u0131s\u0131na do\u011fru y\u00f6neldim. Buray\u0131 ilk g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde bende uyand\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 intiba bak\u0131m\u0131ndan de\u011ferlendirecek olursam; Cengiz Da\u011fc\u0131\u2019n\u0131n \u201cBadem Dal\u0131na As\u0131l\u0131 Bebekler\u201d roman\u0131ndaki Haluk\u2019un evinin \u015fekil bulmu\u015f hali diyebilirim. Son bir kez bah\u00e7e kap\u0131s\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0131k\u0131\u015fa yakla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m an geriye d\u00f6n\u00fcp bak\u0131yorum. Her \u015fey \u00e7ok muntazam bir \u015fekilde bana selam duruyormu\u015f gibi hissediyor ve m\u00fcte\u015fekkir oldu\u011fumu beyan eder nitelikte selam\u0131 al\u0131p d\u0131\u015far\u0131ya \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yorum. Art\u0131k k\u0131z\u0131l toprakl\u0131 yolda az \u00f6nce ya\u011fan ya\u011fmurun huzur verici atmosferi i\u00e7erisinde yol al\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n
Ahmet, \u00fcniversite k\u00fct\u00fcphanesinde yakla\u015f\u0131k \u00fc\u00e7 saattir ba\u015f\u0131ndan kalkmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 yaz\u0131s\u0131na, arkada\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n seslenmesi ile ara vermek zorunda kal\u0131yordu. Bir \u015feyler i\u00e7mek i\u00e7in a\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya iniyorlard\u0131. \u00dc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc kattan merdivenleri inerken, Ahmet\u2019in akl\u0131na hep yukar\u0131da b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131 yaz\u0131s\u0131 geliyordu. Oturacak yeri zor bulduklar\u0131 t\u0131ka basa mek\u00e2nda, be\u015f dakika ayakta beklemenin sonunda, m\u00fck\u00e2fatm\u0131\u015f gibi k\u0131yt\u0131r\u0131ktan ve olduk\u00e7a rahats\u0131z edici bir masada yer bulabilmi\u015flerdi. Arkada\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 filtre kahvelerin yan\u0131 s\u0131ra kendisi \u00e7ay\u0131 hi\u00e7bir zaman terk etmemi\u015fti. Alelacele i\u00e7tikleri i\u00e7eceklerinin ard\u0131ndan, oturmak i\u00e7in s\u0131ra bekleyenlerin a\u011f\u0131r takibi dolay\u0131s\u0131yla kalkmay\u0131 kendilerine boyun borcu gibi g\u00f6rd\u00fcklerinden, masay\u0131 yeni gelen talihsizlere devredip kendilerini d\u0131\u015far\u0131ya att\u0131lar.<\/p>\n
Arkada\u015flar\u0131n\u0131n d\u0131\u015far\u0131da kald\u0131r\u0131mda oturup telefonlar\u0131na g\u00f6m\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fc ve kendisinden uzakla\u015ft\u0131klar\u0131 bir anda, akl\u0131na yar\u0131m b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131 yaz\u0131s\u0131 geliyordu. Bir ara kafas\u0131n\u0131 kald\u0131r\u0131p yolun kar\u015f\u0131 taraf\u0131ndaki m\u00fcstakil evin bah\u00e7esine do\u011fru bakt\u0131. Bah\u00e7e duvar\u0131n\u0131 saran begonvil sarma\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde, y\u00fcre\u011finde bir ah i\u015fitti. Ke\u015fke bizler de g\u00f6n\u00fcl d\u00fcnyam\u0131z\u0131n hemhal oldu\u011fu, kalemimizden k\u00e2\u011f\u0131tlara bir veda busesi gibi kondurulan bu mek\u00e2nlarda hep ya\u015fayabilseydik!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Sahi ya\u015f\u0131m\u0131 sorup durmay\u0131n. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":247,"featured_media":10490,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10499"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/247"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10499"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10499\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10499"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10499"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10499"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}