Tak tak, tak tak. Kafam\u0131n yerine demir bir tezg\u00e2h ve \u00e7eki\u00e7 koymu\u015ftu \u015fu kargalar. Sabahtan beri a\u011f\u0131zlar\u0131ndaki tek bir cevizi terasa at\u0131yor, k\u0131r\u0131lmay\u0131nca daha y\u00fckse\u011fe havalan\u0131yor, cevizi tekrar b\u0131rak\u0131yorlard\u0131. K\u0131r\u0131lmayan cevize i\u015fkence ediyorlard\u0131 resmen.<\/p>\n
Yataktan kalkmaya takatim yoktu. Olsa kalkard\u0131m, bir g\u00f6r\u00fcnsem cesaret edemezlerdi buralarda dola\u015fmaya, \u00f6yle korkuluk olmu\u015ftum. G\u00fcne\u015f art\u0131k rahats\u0131z etmiyordu, en uyunulas\u0131 zamanda uykum ka\u00e7m\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Saatin pili bitmi\u015fti ama vaktin ne oldu\u011funu kestirebiliyordum. B\u00f6yle yatt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6rse annem, haydi kalk namaz\u0131n\u0131 k\u0131l, derdi nahif bir sesle. Ama bilmezdi ki ben namazdan ge\u00e7eli \u00e7ok olmu\u015ftu. \u00dcz\u00fclmesin diye g\u00f6stermelik yat\u0131p kalkard\u0131m. Babam b\u0131y\u0131k alt\u0131ndan g\u00fclerdi. G\u00f6z k\u0131rpard\u0131m. Bir g\u00fcn \u00e7arp\u0131laca\u011f\u0131z ya, hadi hay\u0131rl\u0131s\u0131 diye f\u0131s\u0131ldard\u0131m kula\u011f\u0131na. Aman derdi b\u0131y\u0131kl\u0131 bir babaya hi\u00e7 yak\u0131\u015fmayan tavr\u0131yla. Annemin ard\u0131ndan babam da g\u00f6\u00e7m\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc d\u00fcnyadan. \u00c7ok kalmam\u0131\u015flard\u0131 buralarda. Al\u0131\u015f\u0131r\u0131m sanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m ama al\u0131\u015famam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Evin alt\u0131n\u0131 \u00fcst\u00fcne getirmi\u015ftim farkl\u0131 bir \u015feyler bulur muyum, yeni bir \u015feyler hisseder miyim diye. Yast\u0131\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7inde mektuplar bulmu\u015ftum, babamdan bana yaz\u0131lan:<\/p>\n
\u201c K\u0131z\u0131m, ku\u015f y\u00fcrekli k\u0131z\u0131m,<\/em><\/p>\n \u00d6l\u00fcm\u00fc d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcp de seni babas\u0131z b\u0131rakman\u0131n ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m zamanlar vard\u0131 sen daha \u00e7ok k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fckken. G\u00f6zlerim dolar, a\u011flamamak i\u00e7in kendimi zor tutard\u0131m. Hele bir de ya\u015flan\u0131p da g\u00f6zalt\u0131mdaki torbalar \u015fi\u015fti\u011finde, daha ac\u0131 verici olmaya ba\u015flad\u0131 bu hisler. Sonra biraz daha ya\u015flan\u0131p, hastal\u0131klar yakam\u0131 b\u0131rakmad\u0131\u011f\u0131nda iyice garip oldum. Kanser oldu\u011fumda kafay\u0131 yiyecektim. Bu k\u0131z\u0131 tek ba\u015f\u0131na b\u0131rak\u0131p nereye gidiyordum? Babas\u0131z kal\u0131nca neler oldu? Duvardaki foto\u011fraf\u0131ma anlat, duyar\u0131m ben!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00d6nce annesiz kald\u0131m ben. Zordu evet, ama sonra babas\u0131z kald\u0131m. O daha zordu. Ben babas\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 sorgulayaduray\u0131m, kargalar rahat durmuyordu. G\u00f6r\u00fcnmem gerekiyordu. Perdeyi \u00e7ektim, cam \u00f6yle g\u00fczel parl\u0131yordu ki yans\u0131mamla burun buruna geldim. Bir gariplik vard\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcmde. Cama yans\u0131yan ben miydim babam\u0131n foto\u011fraf\u0131 m\u0131 anlayamad\u0131m bir anda. Biraz daha yakla\u015ft\u0131m, sakal g\u00f6rd\u00fcm y\u00fcz\u00fcmde babam\u0131nkiler gibi. Garip bir delilikle elimi y\u00fcz\u00fcme g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcm. Sakallar batm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 elime, babam\u0131nki gibi sert, diken gibi. Kulland\u0131\u011f\u0131m ila\u00e7lardan diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm. Y\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fcn ne g\u00fcnah\u0131 vard\u0131? Banyoya ko\u015ftum. Cam yan\u0131ltabilirdi. Aynaya bakmal\u0131yd\u0131m.<\/p>\n Sakal\u0131m cam\u0131n yans\u0131tt\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibiydi i\u015fte. En iyisi \u00fczerimde ne var ne yoksa \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131p atmakt\u0131. Ne olmu\u015ftu bana? B\u00f6ce\u011fe d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015feni okumu\u015ftuk, ele\u011fimsa\u011fman\u0131n alt\u0131ndan ge\u00e7enleri de. Hani bunlar kitaplarda olurdu? Okumaktan kafay\u0131 m\u0131 yemi\u015ftim? Yoksa bir kitap karakteri miydim? \u00dczerimde ne varsa elim aya\u011f\u0131m titreye titreye \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131m. \u0130\u00e7imdeki b\u00fct\u00fcn h\u00fccreler k\u0131l olup d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015flard\u0131 sanki. Tek bir b\u0131y\u0131k t\u00fcy\u00fcne bile tahamm\u00fcl\u00fc olmayan ben bu kadar k\u0131lla nas\u0131l m\u00fccadele edecektim? Bu soruya cevap aramaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m bile! Bu durumu kabullenmemeliydim. A\u015f\u0131r\u0131 bir hormon bozuklu\u011fu da olabilirdi. Olamaz m\u0131yd\u0131 yoksa? Bir erke\u011fe mi d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm? Kendimi b\u00f6yle bir \u00fctopyada hissetmek istemezdim. Babama benzemi\u015ftim. Hem de ne benzemek! Acaba dedim sesim ne \u00e2lemde? \u00c7ok g\u00fczel t\u00fcrk\u00fc s\u00f6ylerdi can\u0131na yand\u0131\u011f\u0131m, bir denemeliydim. Nas\u0131l olsa olanlar olmu\u015ftu.<\/p>\n \u201cAk\u015fam olur karanl\u0131\u011fa kal\u0131rs\u0131n,<\/em><\/p>\n Derin derin sevdalara dalars\u0131n<\/em><\/p>\n Oy gelin gelin, sevdal\u0131 gelin \u00f6ld\u00fcrd\u00fcn beni.<\/em><\/p>\n Beni koyup y\u00e2d ellere var\u0131rs\u0131n<\/em><\/p>\n Sana zul\u00fcm bana \u00f6l\u00fcm de\u011fil mi?<\/em><\/p>\n Oy gelin gelin, sevdal\u0131 gelin, \u00f6ld\u00fcrd\u00fcn beni…\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Ayn\u0131yd\u0131 i\u015fte babam\u0131n sesinin ayn\u0131s\u0131. \u00d6ld\u00fcrm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm kendimi. Daha gideli bir ay olmadan, o ya\u015fasayd\u0131 da ben \u00f6lseydim diye diye kendimi \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcp onu koymu\u015ftum yerime.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Tak tak, tak tak. Kafam\u0131n yerine…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":234,"featured_media":10328,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10327"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/234"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10327"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10327\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10327"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10327"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10327"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}