Pencereden \u0131\u015f\u0131k vurur, y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn bir yar\u0131s\u0131 ayd\u0131nlan\u0131r, g\u00f6lgelenir di\u011fer yar\u0131s\u0131. Arkada kitapl\u0131\u011f\u0131n girer kadraja. Bordo bir r\u00fcya, siyahla yan yana. Ka\u015flar\u0131ndan s\u0131z\u0131yor d\u00fc\u015flerimin kan\u0131. Ben \u015fiir yaz\u0131yorum, sen \u00f6yk\u00fc oluyorsun. Y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc unutturmak m\u0131 istiyorsun s\u00fcrg\u00fcn etti\u011fin uzakl\u0131klarda? Dudaklar\u0131n\u0131 \u0131s\u0131r\u0131p duruyorsun, neden? Ellerin gergin, parmaklar\u0131n etraftaki havay\u0131 kontrol etmek istercesine tetikte. G\u00f6zlerin ka\u00e7\u0131yor uzak makamlardan notalar d\u00f6k\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fc anda. Eski bir plak a\u015f\u0131lmayacak mesafeler hat\u0131r\u0131na d\u00f6n\u00fcp duruyor aram\u0131zda, Sa\u00e7lar\u0131nla oynamak istiyor ama yapam\u0131yorsun. \u0130nsan\u0131n yapamad\u0131\u011f\u0131, yapamayaca\u011f\u0131 ne \u00e7ok \u015fey var derken m\u0131sralar b\u00f6l\u00fcyor uykular\u0131m\u0131. D\u00fc\u015f ger\u00e7ekli\u011fine uyan\u0131yorum, senden ayr\u0131 d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm o yerde.<\/p>\n
Yolum, yollar\u0131n\u0131n \u00e7evresinden ge\u00e7er de kesi\u015fmez. Vazge\u00e7mem oysa ben. Sana k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck mektuplar b\u0131rak\u0131r\u0131m mesela. Bahar\u0131 m\u00fcjdeleyen o ilk \u00e7i\u00e7ekler gibi heyecan ve a\u015fkla a\u00e7ar s\u00f6zc\u00fcklerim. Bir dize olur otururum dizinin dibine. \u0130ki sat\u0131r yaz\u0131 olur kanat \u00e7\u0131rpar\u0131m yamac\u0131na. Ben sen olurum, sende var olurum. Kap\u0131n\u0131n e\u015fi\u011fi d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda hi\u00e7bir yerde bulamam huzur denen o kutlu hazineyi. Bir g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn, bir bak\u0131\u015f\u0131n, iki \u00e7ift kelam\u0131n yeter de artar garip g\u00f6nl\u00fcm\u00fc cennet kokular\u0131na bo\u011fmaya. Cennetim \u201cSen\u201ddedir, cennetim \u201cSen\u201ddendir, cennetim \u201cSen\u201dledir.<\/p>\n
“Ellerin, ellerin ve parmaklar\u0131n<\/em> G\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcnde inciler saklayan bir kad\u0131n ki kitap tutu\u015fu, ellerinin sayfay\u0131 kavray\u0131\u015f\u0131, parmak u\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131n m\u0131sralar\u0131 takip edi\u015fi bile ba\u015fkad\u0131r. \u00d6z\u00fcnde g\u00fcl yeti\u015ftiren bir kad\u0131n ki sa\u00e7lar\u0131 geceye do\u011fru savruldu\u011funda k\u0131v\u0131lc\u0131mlar sa\u00e7ar y\u0131ld\u0131zlar o k\u0131vr\u0131mlara imrenerek. G\u00f6zleri uzaklara dald\u0131\u011f\u0131nda ufuk yakla\u015f\u0131r, yakla\u015f\u0131r, yakla\u015f\u0131r. Zaman durur, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131 nemlenince. Bir bu\u011fu gelip konar g\u00fcl dal\u0131na, sesine umut ve ne\u015fe d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce. Bir kad\u0131n\u2026 G\u00f6lgesi \u015fiir, e\u015fi\u011fi g\u00fclistan; g\u00fcnd\u00fcz\u00fc z\u00fcmr\u00fct, gecesi a\u015fiyan\u2026<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n \u0130tiraz sular\u0131nda itiraf vakti gelip \u00e7atar g\u00fcnde yirmi d\u00f6rt kez: Seninle kaderimin kay\u0131p par\u00e7as\u0131n\u0131 buldum. Ruhumun, kalbimin, \u00f6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn filizlendi\u011fi bir u\u00e7uruma var\u0131p kondum. Seninle \u00e7i\u00e7eklendi yama\u00e7lar\u0131m, g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fcm sesinle bulutland\u0131. Bozk\u0131r\u0131ma ya\u011fmurlar ya\u011fd\u0131 g\u00fczelliklerini esirgemeyince. S\u00f6zc\u00fcklerim sa\u00e7lar\u0131na inci mercandan ta\u00e7lar \u00f6rerken d\u00fcnyam d\u00fcnyaya benzedi, ilk kez bir b\u00fct\u00fcn oldu\u011fumu hissettim. \u0130lk kez kendimi eksik ve yorgun de\u011fil de mesut ve bahtiyar hissettim, bildim.<\/p>\n G\u00fcls\u00fcn, \u201cG\u00fcl\u201d derim sana. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bir \u201cG\u00fcl\u201de ancak \u201cG\u00fcl!\u201d denebilir. S\u00f6zc\u00fcklerim yetmez g\u00fczelli\u011fini \u00f6vmeye, \u015fiirlerim hep eksiktir endam\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda. Bi\u00e7are hissederim kendimi derdimi anlatmak istedi\u011fimde. \u00c7\u00f6llerde vaha arayan susuzlar gibi ko\u015far\u0131m serab\u0131 and\u0131ran kokunun pe\u015finden. Derdimi derim ama deyi\u015flerim hep eksik kal\u0131r yan\u0131nda. Asl\u0131nda bir \u00e7\u00f6le benzer y\u00fcre\u011fim senden uzakta ama sesimi \u00e7\u0131karmam. Dertlerle, kayg\u0131larla, ac\u0131lar\u0131mla gelmek istemem \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc. \u0130sterim ki kap\u0131na \u00e7i\u00e7eklerle geleyim. Hediyelere bo\u011fay\u0131m avu\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131. En g\u00fczel \u015fark\u0131lar\u0131 \u00e7alay\u0131m, en benzersiz kitaplar\u0131 sana okuyay\u0131m. \u0130sterim ki yaln\u0131z g\u00fczelliklerin bahsi ge\u00e7sin aram\u0131zda. H\u00fczne, kedere ve ac\u0131ya yer olmas\u0131n konu\u015fmalar\u0131m\u0131zda.<\/p>\n \u015eah-\u0131 \u015euara, ba\u015fka bir a\u00e7\u0131dan yakla\u015f\u0131yor o derin u\u00e7uruma. Onun sevdas\u0131 \u00e7ok daha derinde, \u00e7ok daha i\u00e7li. \u015eiirlerinin ruhunda c\u00fcmle \u00e2\u015f\u0131klarla hemhal bir taraf oldu\u011funa inan\u0131yorum. \u0130\u00e7inde yanan kor, i\u00e7inde yan\u0131yor dertlilerin:<\/p>\n “G\u00fbl-i ruhs\u00e2r\u0131na kar\u015fu g\u00f6z\u00fcmden kanlu akar su<\/em> Diyor ki, g\u00fcl yana\u011f\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131 g\u00f6z\u00fcmden kanl\u0131 ya\u015flar ak\u0131t\u0131r\u0131m. Ey sevgilim, g\u00fcl mevsimindeyiz, bahard\u0131r. Bu akan sular elbette bulan\u0131k akacak. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn kanl\u0131 ya\u015f\u0131 p\u0131narlara, derelere, \u0131rmaklara kar\u0131\u015fmakta ve sular\u0131 buland\u0131rmaktad\u0131r. Kanl\u0131 ya\u015flar\u2026 \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc hasret, v\u00fccudu i\u00e7ten yakan bir ate\u015fe sebep olur. Kalp yan\u0131p tutu\u015ftuk\u00e7a damarlar patlar adeta, g\u00f6zlere dudaklara kan y\u00fcr\u00fcr. Sevgiliye kavu\u015fmak, sar\u0131lmak, g\u00fcl yana\u011f\u0131ndan bir buse almak\u2026 \u0130lac\u0131 bunlard\u0131r o derdin ama kara sevdal\u0131n\u0131n eline asla b\u00f6yle bir f\u0131rsat ge\u00e7mez. \u0130ncilerle nak\u0131\u015flar i\u015fleyen kad\u0131n\u0131n, o e\u015fsiz kad\u0131n\u0131; \u015fiir olup yoluna revan olur niceleri, \u00f6yk\u00fc olup kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7alar binlercesi. Gecenin bir yar\u0131s\u0131nda, sabah\u0131n ayaz\u0131nda, g\u00fcn\u00fcn en alakas\u0131z saatlerinde, kalbin ruhla kesi\u015fen noktas\u0131nda; bir \u015feylerin pusula ibresi gibi ona d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc, bo\u015flukta onu arad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hisseder mustarip nefesler. Yaln\u0131z ruh de\u011fil, t\u00fcm beden onun varl\u0131\u011f\u0131na kavu\u015fmak, sesini duymak, \u00fcrpertisini hissetmek i\u00e7in bir \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131n\u0131\u015f i\u00e7inde.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n Peki, bunca zorlu\u011fa ra\u011fmen neden sitem etmiyor; \u00fcmitsizli\u011fe d\u00fc\u015fm\u00fcyor, kendimi korkun\u00e7 denizlerin vah\u015fi ak\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131na b\u0131rakm\u0131yorum? Tanp\u0131nar, \u201c\u0130nsan\u0131n kalbinde \u00fcmidin a\u011fac\u0131n\u0131 kesmeye hi\u00e7 kimsenin hakk\u0131 yoktur. \u00d6l\u00fcm bile bunu yapamaz.\u201d diyor. Ben neden \u00fcmit a\u011fac\u0131n\u0131 kesecekmi\u015fim? \u00d6l\u00fcm\u00fcn yapmayaca\u011f\u0131 bir zalimli\u011fe, kalbimi neden maruz b\u0131rakay\u0131m? Sadece d\u00fcnya iki kap\u0131l\u0131 bir han de\u011fil. Ayr\u0131l\u0131k da \u00f6yle. \u00d6yle ki vuslat\u0131n da iki kap\u0131s\u0131 var. Biri mutlak \u00fcmide, hakiki a\u015fka a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131yor. Biri ise \u00fcmitsizli\u011fe, karanl\u0131\u011fa, yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa, korkulara\u2026 Kalben biliyorum ki bunca kederin sonu muhakkak bahar. O kuru a\u011fa\u00e7ta o \u00e7i\u00e7ekler a\u00e7acak, g\u00fcl bah\u00e7esinin en k\u0131ymetli dal\u0131 asla kurumayacak ve ben onu tavaf etmeye devam edece\u011fim. Herkes mutlu olsun ve istedi\u011fine kavu\u015fsun, ben ona ula\u015fay\u0131m yeter.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n \u0130\u00e7imde \u00e7alkalan\u0131p duran denize d\u00f6rt dize at\u0131yorum u\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 yak\u0131p:<\/p>\n \u201cBen senin en \u00e7ok g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fc sevdim<\/em> Pencereden \u0131\u015f\u0131k vurur, y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn bir yar\u0131s\u0131…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":158,"featured_media":10011,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,53],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10045"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/158"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10045"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10045\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10045"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10045"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kadrandergi.com.tr\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10045"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nBir nar\u00e7i\u00e7e\u011fini eziyor gibi.<\/em>
\nEllerinden belli olur bir kad\u0131n,<\/em>
\nDenizin dibinde geziyor gibi.<\/em>
\nEllerin, ellerin ve parmaklar\u0131n.”<\/em><\/p>\n
\nHab\u00eebim fasl-\u0131 g\u00fcld\u00fcr bu akar sular bulanmaz m\u0131”<\/em><\/p>\n
\nSevindiren, i\u00e7imde umut \u00e7i\u00e7ekleri a\u00e7t\u0131ran<\/em>
\nUnutturur bana birden ac\u0131lar\u0131, g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fckleri<\/em>
\nD\u00fcnyam ayd\u0131nlan\u0131r sen g\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn zaman\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"